The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
Poignant. Absolutely lovely.
02/02/13
Touching and engaging.
God bless~
I think this is a brilliant take on the topic. In fact, I thought about doing a story on the shampoo bottle instructions, but couldn't get very far with it. You did a great job of building an important message with it.

I think if you go back and count the number of times you start a sentence with the word I, you will be surprised. By switching up the sentences just a bit you can avoid it. Ex: Yearning to be noticed, I covered my face with make-up.

I think the transition from real life into your message was a smooth one. You covered the topics in s few different ways. I think this was a delightful read.
Congratulations on ranking 9th in level two!