Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Repeat (01/24/13)
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TITLE: One more time. | Previous Challenge Entry
By Millicent Njue
01/29/13 -
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I wander through gardens filled with a variety of flowers. Along the sidewalks are deer feeding freely. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of a wild animal scattering into a nearby bush unafraid. This place seems too magical to be real. It is not like anything I have seen before and can only pass for my wildest imagination.
I come across a stream. The waters are cool to the touch and I linger to enjoy the feel for a while. I am amazed to see a variety of fish in a pool along the river. I stop a while to watch them swim around, a beautiful rainbow of colors to behold. They seem so unafraid in their natural habitat I feel like I am intruding on them and walk on.
Next I come across an open farm. There are all sorts of farm animals grazing in it and they go on undisturbed by my presence. I stand to watch them going about their business in perfect harmony. This must be heaven, I think quietly to myself. Everything just seems to go so well with no interruptions and collision at all.
Beyond the farm I behold a mansion. It shimmers in the light and nothing had quite prepared me for this beauty. I stop a while to watch. There are plenty of people up and about the mansion. I am shocked to see them occasionally stop to snack off the walls of the mansion. It takes time for me to realize that the mansion is built with different varieties of confectionery. Now and then someone stops to pluck a marshmallow from the mansion. It grows back almost immediately.
I watch a woman come up to the mansion, basket in hand. She stops to fill it in with a variety of food all drawn at the mansion. Once she has taken her fill she goes back to where she has come from. No one gets in the way of another in this place. Everyone goes about their business but stops once in a while to exchange pleasantries with other folk.
I start to walk towards the mansion. Surely all happiness must be in this place. I could do with some of the goodies of the place too. I approach it with confidence having watched others do the same. It is when I reach out to open the Golden gate that I wake up with a start. I realize that my dream is over refuse to open my eyes to the fact that it is over. Of one thing I am sure though, I wish that for just one more time I could walk the pathways in my dream. What I desire more than anything is a repeat of my wonderful dream.
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The one bit of red ink I might offer is to get rid of as many passive sentences as possible. A good example would be your opening line, just by switching it around changes it from a passive sentence to an active one: As I walk through an open field, I marvel at the sounds of the birds singing and inhale the sweet perfume of the blossoming flowers.
I think you did a delightful job of painting pictures for the reader to enjoy. Though I suspected this was a dream, I was still eager to keep reading until the very end. You did a nice job with this story. I always find it interesting to see how others picture Heaven.
Keep on being the blessing you are.