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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Repeat (01/24/13)

TITLE: One more time.
By Millicent Njue


It is an open field I am walking through. The air is filled with bird song and smells of wild flowers in blossom. I am walking through a magnificent pathway lit with shimmering lights lined with flowers gardens on either side. The place is so beautiful it seems unreal.

I wander through gardens filled with a variety of flowers. Along the sidewalks are deer feeding freely. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of a wild animal scattering into a nearby bush unafraid. This place seems too magical to be real. It is not like anything I have seen before and can only pass for my wildest imagination.

I come across a stream. The waters are cool to the touch and I linger to enjoy the feel for a while. I am amazed to see a variety of fish in a pool along the river. I stop a while to watch them swim around, a beautiful rainbow of colors to behold. They seem so unafraid in their natural habitat I feel like I am intruding on them and walk on.

Next I come across an open farm. There are all sorts of farm animals grazing in it and they go on undisturbed by my presence. I stand to watch them going about their business in perfect harmony. This must be heaven, I think quietly to myself. Everything just seems to go so well with no interruptions and collision at all.

Beyond the farm I behold a mansion. It shimmers in the light and nothing had quite prepared me for this beauty. I stop a while to watch. There are plenty of people up and about the mansion. I am shocked to see them occasionally stop to snack off the walls of the mansion. It takes time for me to realize that the mansion is built with different varieties of confectionery. Now and then someone stops to pluck a marshmallow from the mansion. It grows back almost immediately.

I watch a woman come up to the mansion, basket in hand. She stops to fill it in with a variety of food all drawn at the mansion. Once she has taken her fill she goes back to where she has come from. No one gets in the way of another in this place. Everyone goes about their business but stops once in a while to exchange pleasantries with other folk.

I start to walk towards the mansion. Surely all happiness must be in this place. I could do with some of the goodies of the place too. I approach it with confidence having watched others do the same. It is when I reach out to open the Golden gate that I wake up with a start. I realize that my dream is over refuse to open my eyes to the fact that it is over. Of one thing I am sure though, I wish that for just one more time I could walk the pathways in my dream. What I desire more than anything is a repeat of my wonderful dream.

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This article has been read 212 times
Member Comments
Member Date
C D Swanson 02/02/13
You did a great job with the topic and a wonderful job with writing this interesting entry. Nicely done. God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 02/04/13
This is quite lovely. You have many beautiful, descriptive sentences in this piece.

The one bit of red ink I might offer is to get rid of as many passive sentences as possible. A good example would be your opening line, just by switching it around changes it from a passive sentence to an active one: As I walk through an open field, I marvel at the sounds of the birds singing and inhale the sweet perfume of the blossoming flowers.

I think you did a delightful job of painting pictures for the reader to enjoy. Though I suspected this was a dream, I was still eager to keep reading until the very end. You did a nice job with this story. I always find it interesting to see how others picture Heaven.
Sheldon Bass 02/04/13
You drew me into the dream with the nature scenes and animals. Of course I am absolutely crazy about the wild outdoors and its natural beauty. I could feel the beauty of the field and garden. In the second paragraph I thought the word "scattering" should have been "scampering", because you used the word "a" meaning one. If it were a herd of deer, they could scatter. The opening two sentences could be reworked a bit. However, I really liked the story and it even made me hungry. (lol)
Keep on being the blessing you are.
Alicia Renkema02/07/13
I loved your cacophony of images in this delightful piece. I could picture the deer and the wild flowers abounding in this amazing place in your dream. I know this was heaven and was hoping for a special ending to what I thought was a splendid piece. The ending was a little disenchanting which I know happens after we wake from wonderful dreams... I guess I expected some revelation from Jesus or a heavenly thought to be there as a "lingering fragrance" from this wonderful dream... Still a delightful piece...