The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/03/13
You did a great job with the topic and a wonderful job with writing this interesting entry. Nicely done. God bless~
This is quite lovely. You have many beautiful, descriptive sentences in this piece.

The one bit of red ink I might offer is to get rid of as many passive sentences as possible. A good example would be your opening line, just by switching it around changes it from a passive sentence to an active one: As I walk through an open field, I marvel at the sounds of the birds singing and inhale the sweet perfume of the blossoming flowers.

I think you did a delightful job of painting pictures for the reader to enjoy. Though I suspected this was a dream, I was still eager to keep reading until the very end. You did a nice job with this story. I always find it interesting to see how others picture Heaven.
02/04/13
You drew me into the dream with the nature scenes and animals. Of course I am absolutely crazy about the wild outdoors and its natural beauty. I could feel the beauty of the field and garden. In the second paragraph I thought the word "scattering" should have been "scampering", because you used the word "a" meaning one. If it were a herd of deer, they could scatter. The opening two sentences could be reworked a bit. However, I really liked the story and it even made me hungry. (lol)
Keep on being the blessing you are.
I loved your cacophony of images in this delightful piece. I could picture the deer and the wild flowers abounding in this amazing place in your dream. I know this was heaven and was hoping for a special ending to what I thought was a splendid piece. The ending was a little disenchanting which I know happens after we wake from wonderful dreams... I guess I expected some revelation from Jesus or a heavenly thought to be there as a "lingering fragrance" from this wonderful dream... Still a delightful piece...