The Official Writing Challenge
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Your title hooked me and your well paced story kept my attention. The wrap up made a fitting point but I thought needed a little work to make it flow smoother. An enjoyable read.
This is an interesting story. You did a nice job of showing your MC's conflict. The beginning drew me in as I sensed things would come crashing down.

I noticed you used words or phrases to make your point. Like this: greatly increased intensity
Another way to avoid those adverbs is to use a descriptive verb. An example would be the pain ravaged his body. The reader knows from that word, ravaged, that the pain was intense.

Though I don't think you needed the last line in the story, since you did a great job of showing your message, I enjoyed the ending. It left me feeling satisfied that the conflicts were resolved. It brought the story full-circle. You covered the topic and overall did a good job. :)
WOW! A very enjoyable read. So very true to life. Alwasys rushing to and fro and never getting there. I loved the ending. Thanks for sharing.
01/26/13
This is truly a story that many will relate to. Wonderful job with weaving this story filled with authenticity from start to the very end. Nicely done.

God bless~
01/28/13
I can relate well to your story and feel many others will too. I like subject matter like this, which though well known, your point is often disregarded until something happens like a health issue. How refreshing it is to rest in the knowledge of salvation and enjoy God's Creations. Keep being a blessing. I think Shann's tips were right on point.