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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Rest (01/17/13)

TITLE: Me, my Heart and our Secret
By Dave Walker


Donít let them see, secret heart. We are walking this road together and it's lonely, but who can we tell? It has to stay between you and me. I know you are breaking, but I will smile. I'm getting better at pretending it's O.K. Iíll tell them we're fine; that it was the right thing to do. Everyone said so, even Michael (though he left me after it was done).

And they don't understand what goes on in a frightened girl's heart. Only you know we werenít sure. Everyone else seemed so certain and what does a fifteen-year-old know about these things? Thatís what they said, secret heart, I can still hear them, "You're too young to understand. You will thank us later."

But there are some things I am not too young to understand. I understand what is right and what is wrong even if I donít know what is ďsensibleĒ. Thatís what I kept hearing, ďBut Mary, you have your whole life ahead of you. You canít let yourself be tied down at this stage. You must see it is the sensible thing to do.Ē But is Ďsensibleí always right?

And I don't thank them. All I know is four years later I do still have my whole life ahead of me but it is a life-timeís worth of secret shame -- a secret ache in you, my heart. Itís been four years of restlessness. How will I ever settle down into anything when you keep telling me what they took away was not an inconvenient piece of tissue? I donít think I ever believed that. I know it was a little baby, my baby. I try to shut you out in my mind, but I cannot. You keep coming back when I least expect it. Yesterday in the shopping mall I heard a baby cry and I felt you in my throat pounding, pounding and a terrible uneasiness flooded my being; last week I smelt some spirits in the drugstore and suddenly I saw the white coats, the other girls, the big light, the table. Terror paralysed me as I felt you racing in my breast.

Let's see what the so-called experts say on the internet about abortion? Hmm. Whatís this site? Afterabortion.org? It is saying there are others like me; others who have not kept it to themselves but shared their pain. And this one Ramahinternational.org? They seem to understand. I need to meet these people.....

---------------------- o ---------------------

Well, not-so-secret heart - - in fact open, sharing heart, can you believe how very good God has been to us? How free and relaxed I feel? It is so good to share you with others. How good He was to lead me to those people Ė was it only a month ago?

At last I found others who, like me, did not believe the lies the 'sensible' people told me; who taught me to mourn little Jade (yes, I have given her a name and a memorial plaque), to ask her for forgiveness and to receive for myself, the forgiveness that Jesus offers. I know you are still broken; I would love to have Jade beside me, (she would be four now) but I know that you are healing and I am free to share our secret for the healing of others.

Above all, you are at peace. The turmoil has settled. The restlessness has gone and we are beside still waters. In the loving, forgiving arms of Jesus, who is looking after Jade for me till I get there, you and I have found rest.

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This article has been read 379 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Susan Montaperto01/25/13
Thank you for sharing your heart and that you found peace and forgiveness in Jesus Christ. God bless.
C D Swanson 01/25/13
I loved the last line of this entry. Good job with this whole piece.

God bless~
Francie Snell 01/25/13
WOW, how more powerful can this be? I am currently volunteering at a Pro-Life pregnancy clinic wanting to share this with everyone that works there, everyone who walks through the doors, and my husband who cries just like I do because he loves and appreciates the gift of life. This writing is so heart rendering and something everyone should read. Good job!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/26/13
You did a really nice job of this difficult subject. I enjoyed the POV. I thought it quit clever to have the MC speak with her Secret Heart. When I heard the name Mary, it really brought a flash of Mary when she was young and pregnant. Imagine if she had done the "sensible thing." I'm not sure if this was what you intended but it sent that message to me, which shows the Holy Spirit at work.
Mildred Sheldon01/26/13
Oh what a powerful message. This truly touched my heart. I could feel the suffering of a broken heart. Life is so very precious.
Sheldon Bass 01/27/13
I really liked the POV as well by "cleverly" conversing with the heart. This is such a huge subject and I'm glad you bring attention to it in such a poignant manner. We certainly need to come alongside girls and women who are hurting in this way and lift them up and love on them with the love of Jesus. Wonderful piece!
Catherine Craig 01/27/13
I once begged a woman not to follow through with her decision, that I'd take the little one to raise. She did anyway; I've often wondered how she feels today. Hard decision. Interesting angle written from. Kudos. God Bless.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/31/13
Congratulations for ranking 9th in level two! (The top ten in level two and top forty overall can be found on the message boards)