The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/16/12
This is an interesting story. You had some nice descriptions that had me grinning.

In my opinion, the dialog felt stilted. Try using contractions like I'm for I am. You also had quite a few little errors like missing question marks and quotation marks. If you look on the message boards you might find a critique group or a challenge buddy. If you need help PM me.

You definitely covered the topic. My family will complain too if I don't answer my phone right away, though I am pretty good about getting back to them as soon as possible. I'm sure there are others who can relate to the MC. Good job.