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For forty five years I was physically and mentally abused on a daily basis. I did not trust. I suffered from clinical depression, delusion of Grandeur, Paranoid, lack trust, no self esteem, bad self image, disassociation, schizophrenic, bipolar, black and white thinking, and was suicidal. Because of stuffing my feelings I was being treated for the symptoms of 10 different physical ailments. Including acid reflux, tremors, chronic pain in my legs, back, neck. I weight 340lbs and was eating myself to death. On top of that I had and anger issue. I was irritated most of the time. I lied, cheated, and stole. I used people, got in fights 2 or 3 times a week. Plus I hated myself and thought I was the worst thing ever born. I destroyed everything when I was close to succeeding, in my job, in relationship, in my life. My thinking was erratic. Most of the time I hid from everyone, everything and myself. Most of the time I felt hopeless and helpless. To that point I had been in mental hospital 7-10 times.
One day I woke up in a ditch on the side of the freeway. I had lost everything for the umpteenth time. Married three times and had four kids. I went for being very rich to flat busted. I found my car and I was driving down the road in a drug stupor. My third marriage had just come apart, and I was in a 25yr. drug addiction. I was driving home to commit suicide. After taking all the meds I had,
Things went out of focus. Four days later I woke in a hospital in a straight jacket. This is when I decided to change my life.
I knew God but was afraid I had irritated Him receiving the wrath of the fire and damnation that had been preached. Plus they referred to Him as The Father. This made me associate Him to my earthly father. But I prayed anyway in hopes He was as forgiving as they said He was.
I prayed the Serenity Prayer over and over until I found that peace.
With the help of our compassionate God,
for the last 30 years I have worked hard every day to get better. Now most of my physical problems are gone. I have lost 150 lbs. I am still working on some of my mental disorders. I am no longer angry but give love. I am still working on my destructiveness in my relations with others. I am still working on self flagellation. I still struggle with pushing people away, my compulsive addictive behavior and my ego.
But I am getting better with the help of God and my loving caring friends.
I said all that to say this prayer:
Father, I am trying hard to be a better person but have hurt You, insulted You, and took advantage of Your love. I sit crying because of the times I put me through and for the things I say to You without thinking. I am humbled and ashamed because of my actions.
Thank you for caring and taking the time to help me. I have NEVER had anyone in my life like You, NEVER! Please don't give up on me. Forgive me again and I'm so sorry it's again. You have helped me solve many of the problems I was clueless for a solution to. You have reached through the darkness and gave me the Light. You have drawn me close and breathed life into me. You have given me the desire to live. You have helped me look at me in a better light. You're a warm, tender, caring God. Thank you for all You do. I hope You see my trying. I want to prove to You and myself that I am getting better and am somebody. You have taught me how to stop lying. I look a life in a whole new way. You taught me love. Please don't stop. Because of Your help I feel, to a degree, I am a loving caring person. I only want to smile and be happy. Could You please continue helping that happen? Please?
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