The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/02/12
This is an interesting story that kept me in smiles throughout, except for the occasional empathetic prickle of embarrassment. You did a great job of building the characters.

I have just a bit of red ink. In the beginning you switch from the first person and you begin to talk directly to the reader. Instead of doing that, I think it would pull the reader in more and let the reader know the MC better if instead of: You keep this inside,
Change it to: I keep this inside. Then you can even show the reader more of the angst of the MC with something like: I nibble on my lower lip as I swallow. I was sure everyone in the room could hear me gulping.
The other bit of red ink is that it is a tad weak on topic. I realize the scene took place in the park but it could have taken place anywhere. You want the park to be the highlight of the story.

Now, red ink aside, I think you tackled a difficult subject. There can be huge differences from the Eastern cultures and the Western ones. You did a grand job of highlighting that. I also really enjoyed the kids crying out Mom! I could almost see them squirming in their seats while bits of red speckled their cheeks. I also like the heroine of the story. I'd love to see more stories of this spunky aunt. You did a nice job on this. Keep writing as I have no doubt that God has huge plans for your stories.
11/02/12
I enjoyed your story. You did a good job with the characters and I could picture them wondering what was going to happen next. Good job.

God bless!