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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Cup - 10-25-12 Deadline (10/18/12)

TITLE: My Cup Was Gone
By Ken Ebright
10/23/12


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Kip walked back to his car and found that the cup in the back of his van was gone. He immediately called the police. Ten minutes later an officer showed up and walked over to his station wagon. ďHi, I am Pete; I understand you had a cup that was taken."

"Yes, it was. Iím pastor Kip Olson; I am here for a singles retreat this weekend. The cup that was taken was silver and looked like a wine glass. It was very expensive, and I was going to use it for communion Saturday night. I went to the front desk to get the cabin assignments. I came back out and the cup was gone. I thought I could leave the back door open here."

The officer took the rest of his report and Kip drove his van to his cabin. About a half hour later he left his cabin and went to the main building. When he arrived the police had a scruffy man in handcuffs. The officer approached Kip. ďThis man was acting suspiciously; we searched his car and we found your cup. The only thing is we're going to need to keep it for evidence."

"OkayÖ do you mind if I ask him a few questions?" Kip turned his head and stared at the man.

The officer had his hand on the manís arm. "Sure, go ahead."

Kip looked over his glasses. "Sir, why did you take my cup?"

The man looked off in the distance. "My daughter came here for the Girl Scout camp. I lost my job. I wanted to sell the cup so I could pay my electric bill. I didn't have the money for my little girl to attend camp."

Kip turned his head toward the officer. ď"Officer Pete, is that true?"

"Yes, I checked out his story. His daughter is registered with the Girl Scout camp that is going on this weekend."

Kip rolled his eyes and looked back at the man. "Isn't there someone you could have asked for help?"

The suspect looked down at the ground. "I went to three different churches. No one wanted to help me."

Pastor's frown turned into a smile. "Officer, I would like to drop the charges. No harm was done."

"If that's want you want, sir, weíll do it." The officers took the handcuffs off. Another officer came and gave Kip the cup.

"Can I ask your name?"

"Itís Trevor."

"My name is Kip; I am a pastor at First Baptist church. We're here for a singles retreat.

Sorry to hear about your predicament. Jesus is Godís son. Do you know Jesus?"
Trevor took a breath and exhaled. "No I donít."

Pastor beamed. "When we do something wrong it becomes a sin. Jesus died on the cross so we can have eternal life. There was a thief that was next to Jesus on the cross. That man repented and went to heaven. If Jesus forgave that man he can also forgive you, and I want to forgive you."

The man did not make eye contact.

The pastor continued. "I want to apologize on behalf of the Christian church for not wanting to help you. My church would love to help you pay your electric bill."

Trevor put his hands over his eyes. "I feel so bad for what I have done. How can you forgive me?"

Kip held up the cup. "This cup is used for communion. Itís done to remember what Jesus did for us on the cross. We also use a wafer because it represents Jesus body. I put wine in it which represents the blood of Jesus. His blood was shed for you so your sins could be forgiven."

Trevor started to smile. "Do you have a pen and a piece of paper? So I can write down my phone number."

"Yes I do." Pastor put the cup under his armpit and grabbed a pen and a notepad from his pocket.

Trevor wrote his name and phone number on the pad. "Iím sorry I took your cup. I'll think about that Jesus offer."

Trevor walked away as Kip smiled. "Please turn you heart to Jesus."


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This article has been read 135 times
Member Comments
Member Date
CD Swanson 10/25/12
An enjoyable read, I really liked every part of it.
Thanks. God bless~
Llewelyn Stevenson 10/25/12
Touching.
Marie Hearty 10/28/12
Aww, such a sweet story. I loved the way in which you portrayed the pastor. Great job.

God bless!
Theresa Santy 10/30/12
A unique application of theme, and a poignant message. Well done!
Phee Paradise 10/30/12
I loved the story. You made Kip come to life with the range of emotions he felt over the theft and the compassion he showed the thief. There were a couple of small formatting errors, but you can fix those with another proofread. Nice job.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 10/30/12
I liked this story. I really liked the characters and felt like I knew them when I was done reading.It was on topic and tackled with a fresh approach. Many refer to the cup of Jesus but you took a different POV on this idea and it was interesting, as well as thought-provoking.

Some of your dialog was a tad stilted and didn't sound natural. For example this line: ďHi, I am Pete; I understand you had a cup that was taken."
First he would introduce himself as an officer and not given his first name. Also use contractions like I'm instead of I am or you'd or you've instead of you had as using contractions sounds more natural.

Because of the break-in, you had an excellent opportunity to start off with a real attention-grabber. Just by changing it a bit to something like this would be more exciting: Kip felt the blood drain from his face as he looked around and saw broken glass scattered all over the ground. His eyes followed the trail up to the window that had been smashed in. Kip's heart thudded as he dialed 911.
From there you could go on with your story. I'm not suggesting my example is the better but wanted to show how you could build the conflict right away.

With that said, I also want to make sure I compliment you on the excellent job you did of showing instead of telling. It really helped me feel the character's emotions. Little things like having the thief look down really brings the emotion into the story. You showed me that he was nervous and a bit embarrassed and that made a huge difference in building the suspense. You also had a great message in this story that pretty much everyone could relate to these days. You really did some nice showing on this piece and it was a delight to read.