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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Groceries - deadline 8-23-12 10 am NY time (08/16/12)

TITLE: Just Between Friends
By Mildred Sheldon
08/22/12


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I heard the phone ring three times before I answered it. I don’t like to hear that phone ring, because after working in an office where it rang all the time I answer it as quickly as possible. I looked at the caller ID and it was my neighbor calling.

“Hi Maude. How are you this morning? I was planning to pick up a few groceries and do a little shopping. What can I do for you?”

“Well, Annie, you mentioned you wanted to go grocery shopping yesterday and I was wondering if I could tag along. I have a few things I need, and since our husbands went in our car I’m without wheels. I thought we could talk about the golf tournament our husbands are playing in today.

“Oh, Maude, that would be super. I totally forgot about the golf tournament. Girl, I don’t know what I’d do without you. The good Lord sure blessed me when He brought you into my life. I’m so scatterbrained at time. After I retired I stopped writing things on my calendar, because I felt I didn’t need reminders anymore. Boy, was I wrong. I’ll pick you up in a bit.”

Since I retired I had gotten to know Maude better, and we became close friends just like our husbands. She was about ten years older than myself, and I considered her more like an older sister than my next door neighbor. If I needed help Maude was always ready, and willing to help when I’d call. She was a joy to be around, and I could talk to her about anything. I knew it would not go any further, because it was between friends. I stopped in front of her house, and we were on our way.

“Annie, you are looking good this morning.” Maude said with a twinkle in her eye.

“You always say that Maude.” As I lovingly reached over and patted her hand.

“Annie, I don’t know if your husband told you, but our husbands are partners, and they are playing for club championship. We can take our time getting our groceries, and spend time together before we join our husbands for dinner, and the awards ceremony at the golf club this evening.

“He did mention he would be playing with your husband, but not for club championship. Maude you may see a completely different side of my husband if they win. He is usually very reserved, but when it comes to golf it’s another thing all together. He won low net when he played in the company’s golf tournament, and after they awarded him his trophy he came back to our table hugged everybody, and gave me a big kiss.” I said between giggles.

Maude threw back her head and laughed uproariously. It seemed to emanate from her toes up and it was an infectious laugh. I looked at Maude and couldn’t help but laugh with her. Finally she began to speak.

“Thank you for giving me a heads up about your sweet husband Annie, but please be prepared for my husbands antics. He enjoys having fun at these tournaments, and that’s why I couldn’t help laughing when you told me what your husband did. This is going to be one tournament we shall never forget.”

After I put my groceries away I picked up Maude, and off we headed to the golf club. Maude was right when she said this would be one tournament we’d never forget. Our husbands won the club championship, and the antics from our husbands will definitely be remembered, and talked about for years to come, especially since the two of them held up their trophies and proceeded to dance around the dance floor laughing and shouting like maniacs. Maude and I looked at each other shook our heads all the while laughing uproariously.


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This article has been read 131 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Camille (C D) Swanson 08/24/12
This was a good story...I really enjoyed the interaction of the two women, and their natural-like dialogue. Good job.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 08/25/12
This is a sweet story about a day in the life of two friends. Your characters were both charming.

I did notice that you had a few errors and missing quotation marks. In this example--
“Annie, you are looking good this morning.” Maude said with a twinkle in her eye.
“You always say that Maude.” As I lovingly reached over and patted her hand.
If you use taglines like she said, then there is a comma at the end of the quote. However, it is good to show the reader with narration. Instead of saying Maude said you could just say Maude's eyes twinkled. It tells the reader who is speaking and gives them a glimpse into their personalities. And the second sentence, the narrative line isn't a complete sentence. You can fix it easily by leaving out the as.
Those are tiny details that a critique group or a challenge buddy could help you catch. If you want more details please PM me. :)

I enjoyed how the two ladies chatted and compared their husbands. You have some great ideas and I think these two characters would be a joy to read even more about them. Keep writing the stories that God places on your heart. You'd be surprised how many people you can touch with your words. Nice job.