The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
08/03/12
This was a powerful story with so many emotions throughout. Wow. Good job and well done. Thank you.

God bless~
08/04/12
Wow, you have a remarkable way of describing the scene at hand.

May I speak honestly? Well, I will; and if I speak out of turn, please pm me and tell me so :-)

I found myself at odds with this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'm not sure about the word "Crap." It kind of fits the character, but it did jar a little. Don't get me wrong, I'm not part of a censorship movement or anything; I just think it jarred me - maybe that's a good thing, in the sense that it grabbed my attention? But I felt it stopped the flow a little. Just my thoughts; others may have no issue whatsoever with this word, but I thought I'd mention it.

I love the descriptions you use from the father's perspective; my question is, would a man, especially a father, be paying attention to calves and high heels (would they even know that wearing heels is so excruciatingly painful?!); dresses that may expose a breast or two - hmmm, it just didn't feel natural to read that. Again, I don't know that a man would notice this, and a father would not be likely to be quite so blase about it, even if estranged for so long. I hope I've explained myself well enough?

What I did really really love was your overall picture of the scene as a banquet kind of scenario. The way the dad's eyes (great description!) fell onto his ex-wife, and the analysis of their failed marriage, was so clever and so very well thought out. The last line was full of sadness and yet also hope; perhaps there was hope for them yet, and I desperately wanted to read more! I want to know what happens to them; does she take him back, is there some 'taste' still there?!?!

I pray that my comments have come across in love, and not critically. Personally, I love your style and look forward to identifying who 'you' are! Well done, God bless. Helen
This is an interesting POV. I thought it clever that you began with the wedding and ended with the MC reevaluating his own life.

It may have been a tad week on topic though I did see it as a bit of a metaphor. Perhaps if you had infused those thoughts throughout the story, it might be easier to see the topic. Also you said He gave the mother of my children and I. It should be as me. A good test is to remove the other person because you wouldn't say He gave I.

You had some creative takes here and it did make me stop and see the influence I've had on my kids. My oldest is getting married soon and I could really relate to the MC. Good job.
A very interesting take on the subject. Thank you for sharing and God bless.