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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Fragrance (10/24/05)

TITLE: The Smell of Victory
By Jay Warwick


“Halt!” Said the commander in a deep voice ringing with authority and the experience of a man who has fought and won many battles.

The sound of a four thousand horse hoofs beating the ground came to a sudden stop. The only sound heard was the passing of a cool breeze rustling the tall shafts of wheat of the field in which they stood. The commander sat straight in the saddle, his hand still raised in the halt position. They were standing on the rim of a great valley. In the valley lay several cities, their lights just beginning to shine in the rapidly approaching dusk. Pointing his finger to the sky and making a circle in the air the commander signals his troops. Instantly in unison they spread out to form a single front on each side of the commander and his officers. A full moon starts its accent over the hills to their right its brightness reflecting off of the armor and weapons of the great soldiers. The light of the moon exposes a dark cloud that hovers over most of the valley. Though the lights of the cities are still visible, the darkness of the cloud is more evident with each passing minute.

Another quick movement of the commander’s hand, now barely visible in the dwindling light, sends two thousand soldiers moving down the hill to his left. A flick of his wrist and a point to the right sends the rest of the soldiers down the hills to his right. Remaining motionless on his great stead, the commander oversees the battlefield as his troops move into position.

If you are watching carefully, squinting your eyes, you can just make out what looks like shapes forming inside the dark cloud. At first, you think that it is a figment of your imagination, or just a trick being played by the light of the moon reflecting off of the cloud. The soldiers are now rapidly moving in on the closest city. The cool breeze starts to pick up, carrying with it a strange aroma. The fragrance is almost sweet, very enticing, it seems to call your every sense into action.

The commander sits tall, watching the occasional flashes of the moons reflection coming off of the armor and weapons of his brave warriors. The cloud continues to develop, more quickly now. Strange shapes seem to be dropping from it unto the closest city. The shapes are taking on a more definitive nature now, savage looking warriors astride mighty horses. The breeze is picking up now, keeping pace with the great warriors closing in on the city. A brilliant flash of lightning strikes out of the dark cloud, then another, and another. The thunder they create is deafening.

The commander’s great soldiers have not reached the city, the dark warriors of the cloud stand ready to fight. Closer and closer the soldiers come. Stronger and stronger the breeze blows. The commander lifts his head toward the sky and takes a deep breath of the breeze.

“Victory is ours” he states boldly.

And below, in the city, the citizens sleep soundly oblivious to the battle going on around them. In unison, the God’s mighty warriors pull out their swords and move forward and a frenzied pace.

The breeze has now picked up into a strong wind, creating a vortex, which extends far into the heavens.

Taking in a deep breath, the Lord of Lords smiles at the lovely fragrance he smells. “Victory is yours” he says.. “Victory is yours!”

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Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 11/02/05
Good job; I think present tense works well for this word picture. Just a few past tense verbs to edit, then. While you're editing, take out the references to "you" in the 4th paragraph. I loved the ending; it wasn't what I'd expected at all. Thanks for writing this!
Garnet Miller 11/02/05
Wow! Godly warriors fighting for the souls of mere humans while they sleep unawares! Great story:)
dub W11/03/05
Good story telling, some issues where with basic grammar, you might have someone proof your work to avoid run-ons and comma issues. Thanks for posting.
Nina Phillips11/03/05
Good work on the story telling. Creative. God bless ya, littlelight