The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 380 times
Member Comments
Wow - Harsh comment! And, the boyfriend didn't say anything to defend's amazing how she stayed at all.

Well-written and on topic. Good job. And, I'm glad that Mary moved on.

God bless~
I would have become ill at the first bite of mother dearest's food and demanded that Jeffrey take me home. Good job.
A very interesting story. I don't think I would have been as gracious as Mary. I'm glad she stood up and told her boyfriend bye bye.
This is definitely a different take on the topic. I enjoyed the budding romance and was eager to keep reading.

In the middle you did an excellent job of showing the reader the story. I could feel Mary's nervousness as she fussed over getting ready. In the beginning you did a tad more telling. A great way to check that is look for passive verbs like was. If you have too many, then you start to tell rather than show. For example this sentence -- It was going to be a potluck meal with Jeffrey and his mother at her new home.
Just switch it around a little bit. --Jeffery's mother scurried about as she planned the potluck supper at her new condo. If that isn't exactly what you're looking for I hope it gives you an idea of what I mean.

The ending totally took me by surprise and that doesn't happen often but oh-how I enjoy it when it does. I can't imagine someone being so rude to a guest. Though, Mary's words may have been a bit harsh, she made the right decision and the way you formulated her dismissal of Jeffery really showed how hurt and angry she was. Nice job.