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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Risk (05/17/12)

TITLE: Granny's Drop
By Lois Farrow
05/23/12


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The torrent of language flowed over Jane and Steve as they stood at the ticket counter. What was the lady trying to say? Jane tried again.

“Two,” she said, holding up two fingers. “Two tickets please.” She indicated herself and her husband, and pushed the money across the counter.

Again the unfathomable torrent raged forth. Fortunately their grandson, Tim, came running up at that moment. He listened to the woman and cracked up laughing.

“Gran,” he spluttered. “She is saying you are too old, you can’t go on the ride because it is dangerous for old people.”

“Old people!” huffed Jane. “We’re not old.” The lady was indicating a notice board beside the ticket office but Jane couldn’t read a word of it. Tim interpreted the long list of rules, among them something about blood pressure problems.

“I’m on blood pressure medication,” said Jane, “but I’m OK, there shouldn’t be any problem.”

Tim assured the ticket seller that his grandparents felt they were not too old to go on the water ride. Reluctantly she said Tim must accompany them and handed over three tickets. She had a scared look on her face as they moved away.

“We’ll be fine,” Steve said, “we’ve been on these sorts of rides before with no problem.”

It surely was fun. They clambered into the wooden ‘boat’ and they were off, carried swiftly along the chute on the flowing water. Twisting and turning, Jane waved and yahooed to the other children below with their father, who by then were watching their grandparents get swept along. Then it was time for the finale, a sudden drop down the waterfall to the finish line. Jane and Steve had watched several times so thought they were prepared. When the boat dipped over the edge, Jane felt as though her heart flew up to the sky! It was steep and it was sudden.

They came to the end and the assistant helped them out. They were beaming and glowed triumphantly at the ticket seller. See, we’re fine.

They stood outside the ice cream shop while the children bought ice creams and candy. Suddenly Jane felt as though a huge black weight was crushing her head and shoulders. Should I sit down, she thought in panic? Lord, don’t let me die here in a foreign land through my own foolishness and be a bother to my family.

But she didn’t want to give in and show that she had indeed been affected by that sudden drop. She leant hard against the wall to keep from falling and stayed quiet. The chattering children noticed nothing amiss as the pressure weighed her down, and gradually it passed. By the time the family was ready to move on, she felt better and could walk off with them without saying a word.
I took a foolish risk, she thought. I didn’t listen to advice, but thought I was invincible. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy in spite of my foolishness.


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This article has been read 180 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/25/12
This is a great story might away I'm drawn in to see what the conflict is all about.

Work on doing more showing and less telling. Instead of stating she had a sad look on her face describe what it looks like. Her lower lip protruded and the lady's word extinguished the usual spark in her blue eyes.
The descriptions help paint a picture for the reader. Also when quoting her thought, putting them in italics helps the reader recognize they're thoughts.

The ending was great. You built up suspense and I found myself biting my lip and thinking she can't die. This was right on topic and a delightful read.
Phyllis Inniss 05/25/12
I am certainly glad that Granny did not die after her precipitous drop. But she certainly learnt her lesson. Rules are there to be followed. That is why God gave us rules and we should follow them. Even though in this case the rules pertained to the safety of the water ride, she should have obeyed them. However, I like the way your story line developed.
CD Swanson 05/25/12
Powerful message in an entertaining and well written entry. "Pride" kept them from listening to "Rules" - and thank God there wasn't any residual long terms affects in this story. Good job. Rules are there for a reason. I am sure the elderly MC learned her lesson well!

Thanks. God bless~
Mildred Sheldon05/28/12
What a lovely story. I couldn't stop reading this. Pride goes before a fall. Thank you for sharing and God bless.
Sandra Renee Hicks 05/28/12
Hi -

Thank you -

This is a precious read. The lessons we learn at all age levels...

Yes, indeed, how we are thankful that our Lord provides grace and mercy and that He is a very present help in our times of need.

CD Swanson 05/31/12
Congratulations! God Bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/31/12
Congratulations on your HC and for placing 29th overall!