The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/04/12
This touched my heart and made me think of my "late beloved Daddy."

What a beautiful tribute to a strong loving man that was the "light" of the family. And, how loving carrying his little girl on his shoulders, beautiful.

I don't know if this is a true story, it sounds as if it is...if so, my condolences for your loss. But I rejoice that the Lord gave you such an amazing "earth daddy" and those treasures you hold so deep in your heart.

Thank you for this. I loved it. Beautiful!


God Bless~
05/04/12
You have a powerful way with words - very descriptive and provocative. You have captured the essence of the grieving heart with such compassion; and woven the story of an amazing and Godly life as a result.

I am touched.
05/05/12
This was absolutely lovely...every single word perfect and profound.

Superb work!

I think you've got a winner here!
05/06/12
A beautiful story told in a beautiful way.

I felt a closer proof reading of the fourth and fifth paragraphs would have revealed some simple mistakes and could have led to better word choices. An example would have been re-wording the 'over the shoulder' which from memory appeared three times in one paragraph; and the double period I noticed in one place.

Only small things however in an otherwise great job.
05/06/12
You told a very good story. You have talent. You could try to stretch and retell the story in first person point of view and see how much it changes. The story will become so much stronger. You could tell it from the dad's or the daughter's POV. If you decide to do that, I would love to read it!

And like someone else said, make sure you proof and then have someone else proof it and then you proof it again. You don't want this awesome story marred by some silly mistakes. Awesome job!
05/06/12
A very good story that I very much enjoyed. Take note of the suggestions in the comments, as this story could be a winner, but very likely would have been without the minor corrections required. Hope it does well for you.
This is a beautiful tribute to a fine man. I could feel the love and grief as I read each word. The title is perfect.

Some of the sentences felt a tad stilted. To help the flow, try experimenting with different sentence structures. For example by changing this sentence -There had been a small earthquake the day before he died. a tad like this -

The earth trembled the day before he died, leaving his daughter with a shattered heart.

By combining the two sentences and using action words it helps the flow and gives the reader a vivid picture.

The ending was beautiful. I shivered a bit at the last line. You did a nice job staying on topic well reminding the reader to enjoy each moment with loved ones.
What a tender heart warming entry. I truly enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing and God bless.
05/09/12
One of the greatest gifts in the world is to have parents who truly understand the importance of loving their family and teaching their children to trust and to love ... especially when that trust and love is centered on the God who gave us that beautiful gift.

What a lovely, bitter-sweet tribute to a wonderful man. I'm sure heaven is just a sparkle brighter with him there.

My favorite line was this:
Life has its lighter moments, lived out in sunshine and laughter but the genuine union of hearts , most often happens with hot tears in the valleys where storms rain pain.

It simply took my breath away! Such truth. Well done!
05/10/12
Congratulations on a wonderful piece and a well deserved 1st place finish. Welcome to Level 3!
05/10/12
Congratulations! This totally deserved 1st place. Your father would be very proud. :)
05/10/12
Congratulations and God Bless~
05/10/12
Ha! I was right! You had a winner! Congratulations!
Congratulations on your beautiful blue ribbon and for coming in 18th overall!