The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/04/12
This is a sweet tribute to a mother's memory. Really cuts to the core of a child's heart and was a good read.

I would have liked to have a few paragraph breaks, for the visual aspect of it, but this article has a lot of heart in its message.
05/04/12
Awww. This story was so touching and I wanted to hug the little girl so bad.

Beautiful job of capturing the reader with the topic at hand, and so well written. I loved it and the powerful and yet poignant message it delivered. Thank you!

God bless~
05/05/12
I enjoyed this very much.

I could see this written in a diary format, which would have made the impact of this story stronger, and give the reader rest between ideas.

I loved the ending! This would make a great Mothers Day article.
What a tender loving article. It touched my heart. You did an outstanding job staying on topic. Thank you and God bless.
This piece gripped my heart in so many ways. What a beautiful yet heart wrenching story.

There are just a few things you could do to make it even better. Break it into small paragraphs and then double space between them to give the reader more white space. Words like Mama and Dad should be capitalized when a substitute for a name. If you have an a, or my, or other qualifier in front of it then it should be lowercase.

This reads as a testimonial so I hesitate to add this but if you could do more showing than telling. It would paint a picture in the reader's mind. For example: Just by changing the opening sentence to something like I gazed out the window and my heart ached as I watched the neighborhood kids riding bikes, whizzing by on skates, and playing baseball.
I tried not to change it too much but by adding the word gazed and heart ached helps the reader see the MC looking out and missing all the fun.

But even without the things I mentioned above this is a powerful story. My eyes welled with tears because I have health problems and am in and out of the hospital so much. I worried about my kids, were they getting enough of me, was it hard when only Daddy came to their games.

I was reassured when my youngest was about 6 or 7 and said, "Mommy, I'm glad you're sick cuz you are always here for me. If you got healthy then you'd be working like my friends' moms and I'd never see you." I realized that my kids turned out as great as they were in part due to my illness. Unless I was in the hospital, I was there when they left for school and when they came home. We'd snuggle in bed and talk or play games. It didn't matter but it strengthened our bond. Your story reminds me of those times and now when I worry about how they are going to afford to throw a nice wedding, go to Seminary and off to college but they remind me that God will provide and he does. I wouldn't trade those moments for any amount of money. Your story reminds me of all I'm thankful for. You wrote a gripping, well-written story on topic with a powerful message.