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What If?
On a beautiful Spring day I looked out of my window and thought of all the beautiful things the other children had on while playing outside. Why couldn’t I have those things?, I thought to myself. Only ten years old and I already knew how to do the things every woman should know, such as, wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean the house, cook and even iron. No I wasn’t a Cinderella, I was just a child who had to help my mama do the daily things she couldn’t do on her own. You see, mama had a rare disease that no local doctor could cure. “ Why couldn’t we have the money to get mama to the best doctors? I had to question God. Was it wrong of me to be angry at God? Was it wrong of me to want to have a mom who was well and not sick? Was it wrong of me to want to be rich?
While in school every day I thought of mama. I wondered , what if I found one million dollars? How would I spend it? I thought one thing only, taking mama to the best doctors in the world. Maybe they would find a cure to stop her from hurting all the time. Maybe she would be able to walk again and not cry from pain. What if God granted me three wishes? What would I wish? I would simply wish for mama to get well three times. What if I wasn’t born? Where would I be? Maybe mama would have been well. You see, mama got sick when she had me. She almost died. Was I to blame? I had so many questions.
During lunch I sat alone. I always sat alone. I didn’t want anyone asking me any questions as to why my mama never came to see my teachers or events that I was a part of. It was always daddy that came. He felt bad for me. He knew how I wished mama could come hear me sing or act in the school play. Dad always made sure he was there. He could see the look on my face when I would see moms tell their children how proud they were of them. Why did God choose me for this hard task? What had I done so bad in life? I longed for my mama to be happy. I longed for my mama to smile again. I longed for normalcy. Was that so bad? My life was already complicated at ten years old.
I remember the day mama died. I sat by the window and looked up to heaven. I could almost hear her tell me that she was alright, that she could walk and that she had no more pain. I could almost see her smiling down at me. I could feel her love in my heart and that was something I would have forever. God became my mama. The pain was so intense that I would hug mama’s pillow every night as I slept. It made me feel that she was near me and I could still smell her scent. Oh how I longed for mama to still be here. She would never see me get married. She would never see my children. One day I picked up her bible and I began to read Psalm 91, which was her favorite. I found comfort and peace in reading it. Then I found a note she had left for me in the bible. It read, “My dear little princess, never forget how much I love you. God made you special and I am so proud of everything you have done. I am so thankful he gave me you. He has a great plan for your life. Don’t be angry at God for taking me home, he knew I was tired of suffering. It is up to you to continue your walk with the Lord. Continue to sing to him for he loves you more than you’ll ever know. I will always be in your heart. Always look to God in everything you do. I love you very much. Mama”. Well by the time I finished reading that letter, I was blinded by my tears. I knew mama was in heaven.
I realized that I was rich after all because in Christ I had everything I needed. I lacked nothing, and had everything. My mom left me the best inheritance, Christ.
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