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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Donít Look Back (04/19/12)

TITLE: Possibilities
By Jean Elizabeth
04/25/12


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Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Or it would be if Paul and I hadn't divorced three years ago. We met almost twenty-eight years ago. There's a lot of history there. And a lot of unresolved feelings. So much is clearer when looking back in time. Things I keep telling myself I should have seen. Why was I so blind? Was I so desperate to be married that I overlooked what was right in front of my face? Was I so insecure that I was willing to settle for what turned out to be a very unhappy and incompatible relationship? How could I, a woman whose emotions are always on display, marry a man who hides behind a stone wall of reserve? I've asked myself these questions a hundred times but I am no closer to an answer.

We were happy in the beginning. There are many memories that make me smile. Life was simple. It was fun. There wasn't really anything to complicate the relationship. Then, we moved to a new state, bought a house, and had our first child, closely followed by our second. It was time to grow up, but one of us didn't. In the face of those things, eventually the people we really were emerged resolute and unbending.

Alcohol became a major fixture and a roadblock to healing and reconciliation. It is destruction and desolation in a bottle. The alcoholic is focused only on making the pain go away and while drinking it appears to do just that. But it's a cruel illusion. To stop drinking means letting life back in - the good and the bad. Too soon the bad is all-consuming and the drinking never stops.

A healthy marriage requires active participation by both people. I knew that. I think Paul knew that. But we couldn't do it. One of us hid in a bottle and the other hid in a book. Without conversation, without intimacy, without forgiveness, we gradually stopped being married. And stayed that way for fifteen years until we finally divorced.

I want those years to be different. I want the conflicts resolved, the hurts soothed, the love nurtured. My head realizes the impossibility but my heart's not there yet. Little by little, now, I look forward more often than I look back. There are no answers behind me but there are possibilities ahead.


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This article has been read 159 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Angela Coleman 04/27/12
You skillfully described the pain of divorce. People very close to me have gone through it and I can only imagine the difficulty and challenges of moving beyond it. Thanks for helping me understand.
CD (Camille) Swanson 04/28/12
You did a wonderful job with your skilled words detailing your pain and emotions concerning your dissolved marriage.

Beautifully written and totally on topic. Thank you for sharing your heart.

God Bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/01/12
This really gets to the heart of the matter. I often will find myself slipping into the past, forgetting about today. You did a nice job of staying on topic and sharing your story without coming off as too preachy.