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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Don’t Look Back (04/19/12)

TITLE: What Linda Saw
By
04/22/12


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Linda was feeling happier than ever. Last week she gave her life to Christ and was feeling joyous about her future and life with David, her fiancé. Both had good jobs. In fact, they worked together at Barnes and Justice Bookstore in the heart of New Jersey. They met there over a year ago, feel in love and were in the process of making plans to get married.

David had a degree in journalism and had big plans on opening his own bookstore in the future and wanted Linda to be a part of his new venture. So, the future was looking good for Linda and David. That is until she witnessed something she was not supposed to see…

It was on a Tuesday morning when she was having coffee at Mildred’s and Martin’s Coffee Shop that she saw something that totally caught her off guard. Across the street she saw David talking with a very beautiful woman and they were hugging and acting “way too friendly.” At least, that’s what she thought. Then, she saw David give the woman a small package. The woman opened the package and gave a look of amazement and wonder. Later, they left together leaving Linda wondering what happened.

Later that day she saw David at the bookstore and he was busy taking an inventory of new books that had arrived. She approached David and said, “Hi David. How’s it going? Missed you this morning at our usual coffee spot.”

“Oh. Sorry about that. I had a friend who needed some help.” He looked embarrassed but he tried to act like nothing was wrong. His flushed face gave away his true emotions.

“I see. It’s just that we always have coffee together in the morning and I missed you.” She wanted to say more but she didn’t want to cause further problems.

The rest of the day went well but Linda felt that something was wrong. Maybe it was just her imagination and maybe she was feeling insecure with her relationship with David.

The following day she and David had their coffee together as usual; however, it didn’t feel relaxed and she had a feeling something was going on with David. Later in the week she heard David on the phone with someone. She couldn’t get the gist of what was being said but she did hear him murmur, “Not now. I can’t talk.” Then, David revealed his true personality when she saw him with the same woman inside the bookstore later that day and the woman was showing off a beautiful ring. David was being cozy with her and that’s when Linda decided to kick things up a notch.

Towards the end of the day, she went over to David and said, “David. We need to talk. I saw you the other day with a woman and again today and David, you were acting like you were romantically involved with her. And I saw you give her a package and she was showing off a ring. What gives?”

David looked frightened and said, “Linda, I meant to tell you months ago but I didn’t have the courage. I fell in love with Lucinda two months ago after meeting her in the library. We have so much in common and I think she’s good for me. Maybe we can still be friends. You know I still care about you….” His words, “she’s good for me,” really stung her.

She interrupted his reply by saying, “I am very disappointed in you, David, for not letting me know about this earlier. I thought we were close and that you loved me like I love you and you are my fiancé!”

“But Linda, I do love you. It’s just that Lucinda and I have more in common and I thought you would understand.”

“It’s over, David. I just hope you don’t do to her what you have done to me—been deceitful!” She was so mad, her legs shook.

She walked away with David standing rigid and embarrassed; however, from that day forward she never looked back but only looked forward to staying close to God.


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Camille (C D) Swanson 04/28/12
This was definitely on topic. The ending was sad, yet joyful at once. I'm glad the MC went forward without looking back... but sad she had to find out the way she did. However, the good Lord saved her from perhaps a bad marriage, as He knows our future and what it brings.

Nicely done.

God Bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/29/12
This is a good story. You drew me right in and I could feel the MC's excitement, then worry, fear, dread, and anger. But it ended with her having self-esteem and that is a wonderful thing to end on.

You may want to work on doing more showing than telling. It's something all writers need to work on every time they write. Instead of saying Linda was happier than ever try showing us what a happy Linda would look like Linda smiled brightly her blue eyes sparkled with anticipation. It's not perfect but it gives more of a picture than just stating it.

Also some of your dialog didn't feel entirely natural.This sentence -- David, you were acting like you were romantically involved doesn't sound like an angry girlfriend. She'd be mad and you would hear it in her words this may be a slight exaggeration but I want to show you what I mean. "Hey dude, what's up with that chick I saw you hanging all over earlier?" Now you may not prefer dude and chick but I hope you can feel her anger in her words.

All in all, I commend you on a very good story. I loved the ending! I really thought you were going to go the typical route where it was his sister he hadn't seen in years helping him pick out a ring for her. I was so glad you didn't do that. The message is a great one too. It''s hard not to look back with a broken heart, but so important to do.