Tonight it is raining. The wind has picked up and the trees are blowing wildly, as though dancing in a frenzied state. The conditions outside echoing what I was feeling on the inside, deep in my soul.
Why does this issue of being single weigh so heavy upon my heart tonight? Why do I feel that nobody seems to understand or care? Many questions fill my mind, questions that can’t seem to be answered adequately. Tears flow down my face, like the rain on the church windows.
The sermon tonight wasn’t supposed to have this effect. It wasn’t supposed to cause pain, or bitterness. It should have been uplifting, promising, and guiding. Yet, I feel as though stranded in a rowboat on the middle of a lake, all alone. I bite my tongue; I withhold my voice so as not to say something I will regret. I hold back my pain, afraid to let anyone know how their thoughts and words have hurt.
Their voices were taunting and teasing as they seemingly put the brush off to the single people. ‘Why aren’t you married at your age?’ ‘There must be something wrong with you if you haven’t settled down by now!’ ‘There is nothing wrong with being single, look at the apostle Paul.’ They don’t see that their words are a slap across my face.
Thunder booms in the night sky; my heart pounds in my head like a hammer on a nail. I want to scream, I want to yell; but what good will that do? They don’t understand or care! It has been so long since many of them have been single; have they forgotten what it is like? Have they even been in this situation themselves?
I yearn for marriage, for a family. Surely God wouldn’t give me these desires if I were meant to remain single forever. It is hard to wait and hold onto a dream when everything feels stalled.
I run outside, into the tempest. I can’t take it in there anymore, and if I stay it will only get worse. These people, my brothers and sisters in Christ, kill a little part of me with each comment made, unknowingly murdering my hopes, my wants, and my dreams.
Out here, I feel at one with the storm; the elements dramatizing the raging storm inside of me. The rain stings as it bites into my face, and the wind whips my hair frantically as I hurry angrily down the sidewalk.
“Oh, God!” I scream into the night. “Where are you? Why can’t you see how much I hurt! Why can’t you stop this pain! Where is the person I am supposed to marry? Where are the kids I long to have?”
“Be still and know that I am God.” (NIV) I stop in my tracks. There was no one around, but yet I heard a voice…no, I didn’t hear it, I felt it. The words seemed to have permeated into my flesh, striking at my heart. I knew the Lord had just spoken to me.
“I hurt God. I ache so much and nobody seems to understand or care.” Tears flowed freely again, mingling with the rain that pelted my face. My anger began to ease up but I still felt upset.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (NASB) He said.
“Lord, I am afraid. I want so much to be a wife and mother, but I’m afraid it isn’t what You want, and that scares me.” The storm began to die down as I listened. I knew He wanted to tell me something, but I was afraid of what He might say.
“For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” (NIV)
I felt Him in my heart again, and began to feel reassured. He really was working in my life. I was not alone in this. I knew whatever would happen in my life, whether I remained single or got married, I could count on Him. I just needed to be obedient, no matter what the outcome would be.
I turned back toward the church and with every step I took, the heavy weight on my heart lifted more and more. By now, the rain had stopped; the storm had finally passed and tranquility was returning again, both in the world and in my heart.
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