Iím all alone.
No one loves me or cares if Iím alive.
Youíre my last resort or should I say an experiment before I really do something drastic to get rid of my pain. If you donít work, then I can use you for my suicide note.
How many people spend New Yearís Eve pushing an empty shopping cart down the aisles of a super-everything-store? I couldnít decide if I wanted to buy a million aspirins, wrist-slashing razor blades, or rat poison. My choices were endless. Thatís when I decided to purchase you, an empty spiral notebook, to write down all possibilities for a fatal death.
However, on my way to the school supply aisle, I passed the book section.
A small voice, deep within my body, kept prodding me to search through the religious books, especially the Bibles. I thought I was going crazy at first. I even looked to see if someone was playing a prank on me. I was the only one aroundóeverybody else was celebrating with family and friends at parties.
I swore three years ago, the day my mom and dad told me they were getting a divorce, that I would never open the flimsy pages of any Bible ever again. I remember stuffing my Bible under my bed among the piles of dirty socks, stinky worn-out tennis shoes, and hundreds of candy bar wrappers.
I have been in a constant struggle to make sense of my life while both mom and dad have moved on and married other people.
To be a loner makes life much simpler.
Journal, I want to scream when I hear people say God is in control. I donít believe in God, because how could a God of love let bad things happen to good people. I obeyed my parents. I always finished my homework. I helped around the house. I did everything right. What did I receive in returnóa busted up home with five strangers for siblings and another mom and dad.
I remember one of my teachers saying that journaling is a great way to get negative emotions out of a personís body. Okay, so now, Iím writing all my frustrations, instead of making a list of New Yearís Resolutions, or a list of how to commit suicide. I donít want to live another year if I have to continue living the way I have been.
Here I am writing or experimenting to see if it will make any difference.
Iím back. I cried and cried after I finished writing in you last night.
For some reason, I think I feel better. My day doesnít seem so dark. I decided to find my Bible which took a little time, because it wasnít under my bed. Mom had placed it in my bookshelf.
The same little voice I heard at the store kept repeating, ďPsalms 23, Psalms 23, Psalms 23.Ē I turned to the directly to the chapter and amazed myself when I realized I had already memorized most of it. I lost count of how many times I read it.
I loved the part when it says, ďYea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. . . .Ē* It was like the little voice read it for me and comforted my heart.
Journal, do you think Iím crazy?
Iíve re-memorized Psalms 23. I say it each time I start feeling sorry for myself. That voice which Iíve been hearing, I think itís God talking to me. Iíve decided to go to church today.
Church was wonderful. It felt like I was coming home from a long journey. My heart had sunshine in it and itís been raining all day.
I just wanted to say thank You for allowing the Holy Spirit to whisper in my ear on New Yearís Eve. Thank You for not giving up on me for all the time Iíve wasted not wanting to have You in my life.
Thank You for wrapping Your words around my heart and allowing me to see that You are real and that You are in control.
Thank You for letting me experiment with my journal. It was a total success. I hope this journal can help someone else find You if that person is lost like I was.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.