The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/11/12
This is awesome. I love it.

I feel there maybe could have been a bit more showing, rather than telling us. Instead of telling us what the sky looked like, tell us how it made the MC feel.... Maybe he/she could even feel the colors themselves.

Great job with the glimpse of heaven!
This is a lovely depiction of heaven. It is nearly impossible to put into words. You did a nice job of that.

Something many writers struggle with is the Show Don't tell rule. It's not easy to do. For example this sentence:
The road has been long with many twists and turns, and the occasional detour.
is poetic and nicely done but you are telling. Instead something like.
I journeyed down the road, moaning at the twists along the way. Many times I stumbled or fell flat on my face.
paints more of a picture even though it is a metaphor for life, the reader still gets a mental picture.

I think you did a wonderful job of telling a story that is on topic, but in a fresh and creative way. The message is on that I could hear again and again.
02/12/12
Beautiful job of letting the readers "in." I felt your descriptions were so vivid-it was as if I was there too!
Great job. Thanks.
GOd Bless~
What a beautiful description of heaven. I truly enjoyed reading the journey down all the roads with there many twists and turns before you reached your goal. Thanks for sharing and God bless.
02/16/12
Congratulations! God Bless~