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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Agreement/Disagreement (01/19/12)

TITLE: The Missing Person
By Cynthia Carter
01/22/12


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Stay in your lane; you're married now.” He drawled.

“You can't tell me what to do anymore." She snapped right back. Her nostrils flared her eyes wide and her belly poking out from under her maternity uniform. She got right in his face." I'm not afraid of you."

“Quit getting in my business." He growled, his right eye twitching.

He had returned from Iraq to his job at the post office. He was a raw, throbbing nerve. At first she soothed that nerve.

She was one of the new hires. She helped him carry his route. He helped her deal with an abusive husband. They were drawn to each other like lightning to a metal rod.

She had moved in with him by July 4. She left behind two little boys who were wondering why another mommy had left.

She thought she had solved all her problems but the bliss lasted about six months. They were like two bottle rockets duct taped together.

Finally, he shut all his emotions down, like a safety switch on a roller coaster. He asked her to move out. It almost killed her.

Her daddy came and packed her up and moved her back home. She kept the diamond. After six months and a dozen more boyfriends, she came to work, her tiny fingers showcasing another ring. Two weeks later she was married. Two months later she was pregnant.


And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12


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This article has been read 200 times
Member Comments
Member Date
CD Swanson 01/26/12
Wow - A lot of emotions in this short piece. Good job and right on topic.
God Bless~
Martha Black01/27/12
This is a perfect example of people who don't take the trouble to solve problems, but, instead, move on to what will soon be their new problems. The ones that caught my heartstrings were the two little boys left with an abuser. As the writer before me said, lots of emotions! Good job!
Dimple Suit01/27/12
There is a lot of emotion here and you handled it well. I am left wondering about the kids although I feel it foreshadows she will leave this one too. That makes me sad. Still, you did a good job telling the story and staying on topic.
Judy Sauer 01/28/12
Messed up people make messy choices.

Unclear on the connect points of agree/disagree topic. I get the gist of the story, but when finished reading your story, I felt confused.

Using she/he does not give depth to characters however if they had names it might help.

Not sure what the first sentence is intended to convey. Is it even relevant to the story?

Continue working on building out characters and using vivid picture descriptions. Embellish on details to paint a picture.

"She left behind two little boys who were wondering why another mommy had left."

Rephrasing to focus on her anguish about escaping the abusing husband even if it meant leaving behind two kids. How did she feel doing this? What motivated her? Does she ever miss them? Sharing details to questions like these can broaden the story. Also, who was the other mommy who left? Why?

Please continue working on your writing. It's a craft that can be decades in the making.
Jennifer Suchey01/29/12
I certainly see how your story fits the topic.

For me it was very choppy and didn't flow well. Many of the sentences are about the same length. I agree with the review about adding more detail and description. Help the reader get to know the characters, feel what they feel, etc.

Make sure you read the submission rules on noting scripture translations.

Your story shares the sad reality of broken people looking for another relationship to make them happy, not thinking about how it negatively affects others, like their own kids.

Thanks for sharing and God bless!

Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/30/12
This is so sad. Mainly because there could be so much truth in it.

Your MC seems like she has quite a story. I wish you had used all 750 words to tell us more about her. Be careful with commas. In this sentence:
Her nostrils flared her eyes wide and her belly poking out from under her maternity uniform

It sounds like her nostrils are making her eyes flare. Add a comma after nostrils and wide then there is no misunderstanding. Also in that sentence, try to stay consistent with tense. It might flow smoother like : Her nostrils flared, her eyes widened,as her belly poked out...
I only changed a bit, but it may help the flow some.

Your message is so heartfelt. It's amazing how girls who hunger for love can go looking for it in all of the wrong places. I really liked the Bible verse in the end.
Verna Mull02/01/12
I have a problem understanding why an abusive husband would be the caretaker of the kids. The "she" sounds like a spoiled Brat! However, the story did point out that the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 02/11/12
Congratulations for placing 6th in level 2!