The Official Writing Challenge
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12/01/11
Wow! This packed some powerful emotions here! I got the chills with God saying "download me."

The story was poignant, and painful; and I could hear the anguish from the MC as she struggled with the reality of her grim situation. And, then -there He is! As always- right there!

Beautiful job of a haunting story filled with lost love, yet fulfilled with Him as she comes to feel His unconditional love.

God Bless~
12/01/11
You created quite a picture, beautifully told. I could see it all in my mind's eye. Great job.
This really tugged at my heart. The pain leapt of the page and was palpable. You did an outstanding job of drawing the reader in.

I'm torn between thinking the dashes and the ellipses were distracting or thinking they helped show her state of mind. Perhaps if you hadn't used so many.

I think you meant nook and cranny instead of nick. Also at the end you suddenly smutched to third person. I know the first part represented the MC's thoughts but I think it would have worked better if you kept it in the first person or used the third person earlierperhaps to show some of her actions while she was thinking.

The message is a good one. It is difficult to get through life's third without God carrying us through the rough times.
12/03/11
You painted a great picture of a woman torn apart and you wrapped it up nicely.

I agree with Shann on the use of so many dashes and ellipses. I understand why they are there, particularly in this piece as the MC's thoughts trail and shift. However they did distract some. The use of so many suggests the writer cannot think the right words to use or other punctuation. They can seem like more of a crutch when I know that is not what you intended. I suggest you Google the proper use of both. For one thing, an ellipse is technically three periods and three only, no space in between each, but a space before and after.

I also was thrown off when the story went to third person at the end. I, too, realize it is now a narrator instead of the MC's thoughts, but with the whole rest of the story coming from the MC, plus dialogue with God, the reader is now thrust out of the lovely world you created and is now hearing from an outside voice what is going on.

You did a great job of drawing the reader in right from the beginning. Wonderful story telling. :)
12/03/11
CORRECTION: I have to take my foot out of my mouth and correct what i said about no spaces between dots in an ellipse.

According to one site I found "most style guides" say to include a space between dots. Grammar Girl also says to include a space. Here's is Grammar Girl's article on the use of the ellipse, when to use them and how. http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx

The basics are this:

1) Use three dots only, not two or four.

2) Put a space between each. ( . . . )

3) Put a space before and after each.

4) When ending a sentence with an ellipse, include a period, which would make the ellipse look like it has four dots. It, in fact, has three dots plus a period.

5) Make sure the ellipse does not get separated on two different lines.

Sorry for any confusion!
Actually to go a bit further on Jennifer's comment about ellipses, it is considered proper to either have three dots without spaces ... or to put spaces in between . . . as long as you are consistent throughout the story, both ways are acceptable. I think it's one of those things that the British English prefers one way and we Americans prefer the other.
12/12/11
This was an amazing piece of writing. I was taken in from the beginning. This was SO well written.

I too liked how it was resolved - with the love of the Lord starting the process of healing the pain in the MC's heart. So much power and victory in this piece.

Thank you so very much!