As soon as I woke up I could feel my guilt. I was in a bed, but it wasn’t my bed…
“Oh, what did I do?” my voice didn’t even sound like mine, it sounded older and huskier. I could feel the pain in my stomach roll up into my throat until I sputtered and spit up some remaining alcohol in my stomach. My groan came out huskier than before as the pain in my head grew louder and louder.
“Hey baby, you finally woke up.” The voice came from beside me in the bed, it was a familiar voice but I just couldn’t bear to look at him. “Last night was wild. You got totally wasted!” my hands flew to my head as his laughter thundered and echoed, piercing my head like two sharp horseshoe nails in between my eyes.
“What happened last night, exactly?” I rubbed my head hoping I could massage the pain away. I could feel his hands pull around my waist; he was snuggling up close to me, I cringed and pulled away.
“I’m surprised you don’t remember, was I not good enough for you?” the smell of his breathe made me want to vomit. I couldn’t believe what I had done and with Jae Myers of all people. He the guy who went to all the parties, slept with almost all the girls from school and was the “big guy on campus” type. I revolted him.
“Look, Jae… I’m not into you and I really need to g-g-g” the vomit was coming up my throat, I turned to run toward the bathroom but it was too late. I blew chunks all over Jae’s expensive leather jacket hanging on the back of a chair. I could hear Jae’s screams of profanity behind me.
At that moment, I wanted to hurl- not because of my hangover but because I felt sick, sick over what I had done. I went to a party that not only did my parents tell me not to go to but I also drank alcohol to the point of doing something I wouldn’t have otherwise done.
Worse yet, I broke a promise I made to God. I promised him I would save myself for marriage. Granted, I had alcohol which just made everything worse but I shouldn’t have ever drank anything either. I willingly drank, I willingly put myself in harm’s way and I did it all because I wanted to, I wanted to rebel. Now, not only have I broken the law by drinking underage but I also gave myself over to a guy that I was never meant to be with, I did something I was never meant to have done.
My guilt made me feel sicker than the alcohol was. I didn’t know how I was ever going to fix this wrong. I was frozen as a statue by the bed, tears rained down my face and my hands balled into tight fists. In front of me was a full length mirror, my hair was messy and falling over my face. I wore nothing but the sheet wrapped around my body, vomit around my mouth I had not yet wiped away.
I looked hideous. Not because I really felt that I was an ugly person, but because the sins I committed were written all over my face and all over my body. My knees were shaking and my chest heaved forward with sobs. I had to get out of here, I had to do something but my feet were frozen to the floor. I felt like I had stepped in some kind of supermassive sticky glue that wouldn’t let me go.
“Oh… God!” My voice was barely audible through my sobs; “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” My apology stumbled out of my mouth.
“It’s okay. You can just buy me a new one.” Jae held up his vomit sodden coat, he attempted a smile. I simply couldn’t find myself to care about his coat at this moment. I curled up into a ball and sobbed for what seemed like hours.
I knew I had to do it. I was going to tell my parents the truth. I was going to ask for forgiveness and take my punishment. I got dressed, I held my head up high and I went home to face the music. While going home, I asked for forgiveness from God and even though I didn’t deserve it, I was forgiven.
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