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WHAT IS YOUR OUTLOOK?
When I was of dating age my mother always said I should be ‘out looking’ for a husband. I grew up in the disco era. You know, the loud music, blinking disco balls, people jammed into a tight space trying to dance – oh and of course – the drugs, sex and alcohol. But to my mother this was just popularity, not to do the bad stuff, but to be in the popular places like my cousins were.
There was lots of competition to be popular back then – at least in my family. I did go out to the popular places, but my outlook was anything but festive and hopeful. The only guys I ever met were those who wanted to do something bad, never just knowing me for me.
Mom was very naïve about these things and thought I was just being difficult and telling tall tales. She hounded me constantly about it, reminding me my cousins were all going out and getting engaged, so obviously I had the problem.
As time went on my outlook about myself deteriorated even more because I never met anyone. I used to yell at God telling him that I shouldn’t have been put in a family where only marriage mattered if he wasn’t going to lift a finger to help me find a husband.
Needless to say, I still carry those wounds with me today. I was labeled a loser, not quite right and it hurt and destroyed my sense of self.
One thing has changed; I know the Lord and I have learned that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that no husband will change that fact!
I still would like to have a husband even though I am middle aged, maybe God will send someone, but at least I don’t have to compete for love and worthiness – I all ready am worthy because God said so.
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