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Sellout – was I a sellout? That night when I drove home from the awards ceremony, I began to wonder as to the truth of that statement. All my life I dreamt of being a great entertainer, of having my name up in lights, of being adored by the masses.
Born and bred in Brooklyn, New York to an overbearing father and absent ‘alcoholic’ mother, I grew up lacking my parents’ approval and love. I knew my father loved me and even my mother did in her own odd way, but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. So in order to console myself I lived in a world where everyone loved me and I was special.
I used to play my records on the phonograph; back then they were called ‘45s’. I’d sing and dance to the music – my favorite was Olivia Newton John. I sang her songs and pretended to be a star.
Then one day the school had a talent show, I entered and won first prize for my performance. The teachers marveled at my singing ability and immediately suggested I enter the music program, which I did. I was the school star for the next three years before graduation. I absorbed everything taught me and even took up the guitar.
My teachers said I was a natural that talent like mine was God-given. My family had always been Christians, but mostly in name. They did send me to private Christian schools and that was where I met Christ. I did so, however, only after He gave me the gift of talent.
As my singing and music ability progressed, so did my faith in Christ, so much so that I wrote songs of faith that melted many hearts. One afternoon my music teacher approached me and said she was going to send my song, The only Love I Need to a Christian music company. She asked me to sing it so she could record it. I was so excited at the prospect of being discovered!
We waited two months before we heard back from the company, it was one month before graduation and it was the best present I could have received. The company wanted to sign a contract with me. At graduation I was labeled the one to most likely do big things for God.
Well, I did just that for the next five years, but fame and fortune and getting into the wrong group of people caused me career to take a nosedive. I wasn’t America’s Christian darling any longer as I gotten involved in drinking just like my mother and I was no longer a reliable Christian witness, something I has promised to be when I signed the contract.
As my life spiraled out of control, these new friends told me I should just do regular country music, I had the voice and the money was there. So I did just what they said. I wrote trashy country, you know those sorted love stories where everyone is in some kind of bad situation.
That’s what got me to the awards tonight, my song, Let’s Not Tell Your Wife About Me hit number one on the charts. I thought I would be elated when I won the award, but all I could think of was how I disappointed God. In all my growing up years and in the infancy of my career He was the only one who never put me down.
I felt miserable all night long. I could not look the trophy in the eye. Finally, in desperation, I got on my knees, asked God’s forgiveness and help.
Over the next few years, I got my life back on track and even made a comeback in the Christian community. This time I am wiser and smarter. I will not let anything or anyone take Jesus from me again.
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