The Official Writing Challenge
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This is a powerful piece. You did a great job handling a difficult story. (Mine touched on date rape as well) I did get a tad confused on which which girl said what but that might be my tired brain. Nice job tackling a difficult topic.
Your story is well constructed and it kept my interest. One thing to consider might be that the last couple of lines seemed too wordy for someone just coming out of a coma -an easy fix. Keep up the good work.
05/14/11
a great story.i found the first part a tad difficult to follow maybe because you captured the teenagers "otherness" so well. It seemed like Sharon was already fully involved in the social scene even though she was a newcomer.
your twist was clever and unexpected...what a horrible character India turned out to be.
I agree with the other comment that the ending seemed a bit too neat and not authentic.
it is a topical subject and sadly does happen... maybe more frequently than realise. This could form a useful secenario as a discussion started at a youth group but you would need to leave out that last line :-)
sometimes leaving things hanging is unsatisfactory but in this case it would have added to the story... in my opinion anyay
05/14/11
Wow - lots of emotion! I had to back up to figure who was who in first half a few times, and it slowed me down. If not for that, I would have raced through this heart-wrenching story.
A story filled with emotions of young girls. One who was pure and the other tarnished by the world. I loved the interaction of your story. So very true of young people of today. I loved the last line. We are All sinners and like Christ she forgave her friend as all who love Christ are told to do. Keep writing.
05/15/11
An intense story. The second half was a real attention grabber. As has been already noted, I had to keep going back to determine the relationships between characters. One minor observation...Sometimes its best to avoid needless interruption of dialogue to maintain an easier flow. Ex. "Besides," India's persona became suddenly...." I would consider describing India and then moving ahead with what she had to say. Just my personal opinion. Sometimes the shorter the title, the better. Betrayal and Forgiveness would easily have caught my eye. Very realistic dialogue. I like how you've written about a subject that happens far too often.
Your characterization of the teens was well done. I liked the contrast of the two girls. You kept my interest all the way through.
05/17/11
You asked about the last line - I like it; it is a great idea, but maybe not very "teenager-ish" One of the the other comments said it was "wordy for someone coming out of a coma", and I agree. I wouldn't cut it, but edit it.
Cat :=)
Congratulations on placing 6th in your level!