The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 475 times
Member Comments
This is a story that had me reading quickly to see what was wrong. You captured my attention at the start, and it was a great message to be aware of this awful, sometimes fatal, illness. Well done!
Have had to deal with Asthma so I was righ there in your shoes. Good telling. Down to earth.
Clever title and attention holding story. Well done.
I loved "singing cradle songs of my own composition". I, too, found myself reading ahead to find out what was wrong. Nice job.
You have a talent for writing a story steeped in mystery and it grabs you from the very beginning to the last and final sentence. The title says it all, but to find the all you must read the story. A fantastic job in writing.
I could feel the tension and conflict right from the start. You did a great job with the characters.

Be careful that you stay consistent with your tense. You would drift from present to past and back again. A little tiny thing - okay should be spelled out or both letters capitalized.

You did a great job of pulling me in right in the beginning and I found myself holding my breath. Nice job of storytelling
oops, I'm so sorry you did okay OK. My face is red. I think it was on my mind from another story. You do have a wonderful way with words.
You do have a way with words - very nice. This is a good story to share with kids about what asthma is. Very nice job!!

I would ask someone to read over your entries in the future to catch small errors. It is sometimes hard to catch your own. Or I will read mine aloud. That helps, too. You have a gift, for sure!:)