11th October 1990
Dear little one,
I just can’t wait to meet you and see what you are like. It is amazing that it is nine months now since the tiny blue line on the pregnancy test gave the first indication that you were on your way. It was early January, and 29th September seemed ages away. As winter turned to spring I had the first faint glimpse of you. I have the black and white ultrasound scan photograph in front of me as I write this letter.
Your due date has come and gone. The midwife said that first babies are often late; you must be happy inside and will come when you are ready. Well all I can say is, I think you’ve been inside long enough. Your new nursery and pram are ready and I want to welcome you into the big wide world. Hurry up!
3rd September 1995
Today is your first day at “big school”. I have taken a photo of you in your purple and white check dress with you blond hair in neat pigtails. I am so proud of you going straight into class without any clinging or tears. This is the start of a new adventure for you, and also for me as a mummy at the school gate.
2nd February 2005
Catherine sweetheart, the last six months have been so hard. I am so sorry that I did not realise earlier what’s been happening. I noticed that you were losing weight but I never once thought that it could be the start of Anorexia. I know now you were hiding what has been going on and pretending to be eating when you hadn’t. I only wish you had felt able to tell me your worries before you got so ill you needed to be in a specialist clinic. I know that 29th May seems an eternity away but just try to be brave and follow the programme. I will write and visit as often as I can. I am sure you are in the best place to get well. I love you so much. Mum
29th May 2005
Catherine, you have done so well and kept to all the targets. I am really proud of you. I am so glad that you are coming back home today. I have missed you so much. I will try and support you as much as I can. I know it will be strange at first but remember that we all love you so much and I am there for you when you need me.
6th December 2005
I find it hard to believe that you are back in hospital again. I hoped and prayed that you would be one of the lucky ones who only needed one hospital stay. I know that even though your weight is normal the anorexic thoughts and struggles have remained and it has been hard to get the doctors to understand.
We will try and stay strong for you. We are all in this with you and are praying for you. I know you are in despair right now and feel you are never going to beat this but I am holding on to you and will help you how ever I can. There is so much to live for and I know you cant see it right now but hang in there.
2nd March 2011
Catherine, can it really be three years since I saw you? I and crying now as I remember back to that day. Your eyes were closed and it seemed like you were just asleep. I wish I could have held onto you for a little longer. I have a lock of your golden hair in front of me as I write this. The date of your birth and the date of your death are etched indelibly in my mind as permanently as the lettering on your gravestone. Markers of the time ‘Before Catherine’ and ‘After Catherine’ .The seventeen years in between when I held you and watched you grow from newborn babe into young adult seems too short.
I know that we will one day meet again in heaven but that concept seems so hard to grasp and does seem not bring the comfort maybe it should.
I want to hurry our meeting again, like I wanted to hurry your arrival in the world. I long to grasp eternity by the hand and bring it close.
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