The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 1167 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
10/11/05
Really well written, dialogue was great. I'm trying not to cry, so glad Josh has a chance...
:) Karen
10/11/05
A very good story that effectively leads the reader through several mood changes. Well done! For me, the suddent introduction of going to India didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the story. I wonder if it would be more effective if you just ended it with David's conversion, and his determination to stay with God no matter what happens to Josh.
10/13/05
How sad ... so glad that at least there ended with some hope ... although I wish you'd made everything all right ... that's me talking and not a literary critique! You beautifully brought out how we can lose sight of what is important in life. Good on you.
10/13/05
Oooh, excellent examples of "Show, don't tell". Amateurs would've introduced the dad as "Dr. David" and described Josh's fall into the river. Good for you! Although I was a little confused with the India jump as well.
Awesome story - much agreed with the previous comments! Thanks for sharing!
10/13/05
Good story. I'm glad Josh didn't die, but was impressed also that you didn't restore him whole in that instant. This is a more true to life ending to the situation.
10/13/05
It reminds me that it is in times of crisis that people are more likely to think of God.
10/13/05
This gave me chills (maybe because of my own Joshua?). Very touching.
10/13/05
Very good story...nice flow of events. You really "showed" the reader the events, did not tell us. I do agree with Jan's comments, however, about the India decision. I think the ending would have been just as powerful showing the dad's conversion and commitment to follow Christ regardless of what the future holds. Overall, great job!
10/13/05
Nice story. I too agree with the India thing, but wonder if an addition here might help. Perhaps he may have struggled previously with going there or somewhere else just to satisfy his desire to help the less fortunate? I'm brand new at this, so probably should be quiet. Good writing. :o)
10/14/05
Good development of story. It flowed well but I also agree about the India thing (sorry, I know you're tired of hearing that :-)). Your entry had a "real feel" to it. Realistic dialogue, as well as situation.
Well done!
Blessings, Lynda
10/14/05
Very nicely written. Thank you.
This is very well written and was working well until you added a new focus right at the end (India). It's been said I don't think you needed it. I think 'whatever happens' would have been enough still you must have done really well with the rest of it for this to matter!
10/16/05
I have no problems with the mention of India at the end. It lightens the atmosphere and shows the depth of the relationship of the couple as they share an in joke in a dark moment. It also brings us back to the theme. Heart wrenching story, well told.
10/17/05
Julianne, I just wanted to pop in quickly and let you know that you actually ranked 9th in the Level 2 list, so be encouraged. You already know where the story slipped (yep, it was that India bit) but you are still rating strongly with the judges and still doing well. Be encouraged. With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)
10/17/05
This could be a great story if only it were longer Jules! Just not explaining enough about India, but it was still good stuff. :)