The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 838 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lovely thoughts in this poem. I liked it very much. I wondered if it could be tightened a little. A few thoughts for your consideration :-

Walking, I noticed beauty
Sorry, I pressed the wrong button and lost my comment.
Suggestions:-
I think the poem needs more work, particularly to eradicate repeated words. Poem would have more impact. I particulary liked the last three verses.

e.g.
Walking, I noticed beauty

That long awaited my attention.

I think the poem is worthy of more work. A little awkward at present. Lovely though. Gabrielle.
10/11/05
I like the fact that you didn't take a few more verses to explain your metaphor, but let the reader draw her own conclusions. I agree the the previous commenter, that this could be tightened up a bit, to avoid awkward phrasings. A lovely use of imagery.
Lovely imagery - very tender observations of Gods love, even in the unseen/neglected parts of his creation. Tighten the phrasing a little to help the flow; a lovely poem. God bless.
This is a beautiful poem, with good imagery. I feel that perhaps you might consider tifhtening it. One thing I noticed that detracted from the overall poem was an end-of-line word that was not meaningful -- you used 'it,' and it is better to end your lines with a stronger word. Also, some repetition that I felt was unnecessary.
It is always a good idea to read through your poetry and cut anything you can do without. Prune -- as Jesus said His Father did of the branches that did not bear fruit.
I feel the poem is worthy of more work, and that it can become a gem. Lovely,
Jeanette