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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Flowers (10/03/05)

TITLE: Flower of the Unseen
By Mandy Skeen
10/03/05


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I took a walk and noticed
Beauty that long awaited my attention
Bright colors illuminated
A world Iíve never seen

A longing to be a part
Of a field with grass so green
And a need to feel the beauty
Of the flowers of the field

I invited myself to take a look
Closer into the unknown
And of a hundred vibrant flowers
One stood all alone

This lonely withered flower
Had seen its better days
When the sun shone brightly on it
And living meant better things

Straight it stood with deadly colors
And a brightness no longer seen
A little life remained here
In this flower of the unseen

I picked it up and held it
As tears fell down my face
A beauty once resounded here
Now leaves fold in silent grace

Godís presence quietly stood here
As this flower faded away
And although it was only a flower
God took time to stay


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Member Comments
Member Date
Gabrielle Morgan10/10/05
Lovely thoughts in this poem. I liked it very much. I wondered if it could be tightened a little. A few thoughts for your consideration :-

Walking, I noticed beauty
Gabrielle Morgan10/10/05
Sorry, I pressed the wrong button and lost my comment.
Suggestions:-
I think the poem needs more work, particularly to eradicate repeated words. Poem would have more impact. I particulary liked the last three verses.

e.g.
Walking, I noticed beauty

That long awaited my attention.

I think the poem is worthy of more work. A little awkward at present. Lovely though. Gabrielle.
Jan Ackerson 10/11/05
I like the fact that you didn't take a few more verses to explain your metaphor, but let the reader draw her own conclusions. I agree the the previous commenter, that this could be tightened up a bit, to avoid awkward phrasings. A lovely use of imagery.
Alexandra Wilkin10/12/05
Lovely imagery - very tender observations of Gods love, even in the unseen/neglected parts of his creation. Tighten the phrasing a little to help the flow; a lovely poem. God bless.
Jeanette Oestermyer 10/13/05
This is a beautiful poem, with good imagery. I feel that perhaps you might consider tifhtening it. One thing I noticed that detracted from the overall poem was an end-of-line word that was not meaningful -- you used 'it,' and it is better to end your lines with a stronger word. Also, some repetition that I felt was unnecessary.
It is always a good idea to read through your poetry and cut anything you can do without. Prune -- as Jesus said His Father did of the branches that did not bear fruit.
I feel the poem is worthy of more work, and that it can become a gem. Lovely,
Jeanette