The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
09/19/05
I think there's more to this story that needs to be told and probably if the word limitation was lifted, you would have done so. Unfortunately, I had a really hard time figuring out what was actually taking place here. I was able to understand the familial relationship, but just didn't quite get the setting/location.
09/19/05
I get it and I think it's great, but I agree that it's the basis for a much bigger work. My history is a little shaky on this one, but you were referring to the Female Factory in convict NSW? Is it a true story?
09/19/05
I guess more background would make it an easier read, but I got it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Sentimental, a subtle telling of what must have been an horrific journey. I liked the ties to the future.
God Bless, Karen
09/21/05
Beautifully done...the story may be unfamiliar to us Americans, but the beauty of your two parallel stories was very evident.
09/22/05
Write more! Great job!
It took a paragraph or two to realise that you were telling the grandmothers story in parallel to the grandaughter, but this was excellent and I would love to see you expand this and explore the conditions of the female convicts that were shipped over from Britain. You captured the dialogue wonderfully well in that first paragraph. Lovely, really, really liked this and a personel favourite in this section. God bless.
09/22/05
I'd love to see this expanded beyond the 750 word limit. You've given us a taste of a great story, and now I want more!
09/22/05
I was a bit confused as to what was going on. The parallels were masterfully done, but more background is needed. I was in the dark.
09/23/05
Very well done!!!
09/24/05
The flashing back and forth is like Ted Dekker writing. It takes some getting used to, but I love that style. You did a good job here. I too would like to see this story in a longer version with more details and history. Great job!
09/25/05
Yes, I agree - excellent work. I too like the parallel stories, although also took a little while to work out where you were going (New Zealand?). I love the way the parallel stories converged. I'd also like to read a fuller version without the word limit.

If you want some constructive feedback, I'd just say that the hotel/motel theme was perhaps slightly forced. Without it, the story would have read just as well. Maybe even better.

But truly, I really loved it. Well done!
09/25/05
I think it's time to move up dear Juli! Great work!
09/27/05
Julianne, being an Aussie, I knew exactly where you were going, but as one commenter said, the connection with hotels was a bit loose. That did have an impact on your rating. Also, my brain was going into overload trying to work out the chronology. If Kate was alive in 1840 (and at least in her late teens), then it's unlikely that her granddaughter would be alive in 1985 - unless she was very old... and the way it was written didn't quite strike me that way. But again, being an Aussie, of convict stock myself, I liked the story. With love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)