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March 10
Anella stomped around the room; her violet eyes smoldered. She thought about the trust exercise she taught to her teams. Close your eyes and fall back, your buddy will catch you. Ha ha hah! She balled her fist tight as she spoke to the air.
"Heck, my eyes were glued shut, all my life; to anything disagreeable ... to handling conflict ... to turning my back on arguments. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! "
Bile and hate boiled up her throat. Every nerve vibrated, and every muscle clinched. Something close to fire danced around deep in her belly. Hate twisted it's spell in her heart. If I knew where to get a gun ...
***
Earlier: April 30
Anella sensed the tension cutting into their lives. I detest arguing. Gregory wants to take a walk after dinner. She bit her lip, He's in a crummy mood.
She slumped over the counter and cleaned it down, She called to her husband of fourteen years. "I'm ready Greg."
On any other evening, the path behind the house, would be pleasant. Tonight,wildflowers and birds went unnoticed.
Gregory looked straight ahead and began the discussion, "I want a divorce."
Anella stopped, eyes wide. "What?"
"You heard me!"
She pulled him around, "You can look at me when we talk."
"Why?" slipped out before she could stop it.
"I don't have to tell you why." He sneered at her and avoided her eyes.
"We're Christians, Gregory, we don't do divorce."
"We, she asserted, need some major counseling."
"It's too late for that, Anella."
His look seared her heart. She stepped back.
"But we have no grounds … I've always been faithful. I love you Greg."
Gregory smirked, "Oh we've got grounds alright."
"What are you saying, Greg.? You- you've been unfaithful?"
Gregory's laughter started. He sounded evil, she wanted to stop her ears.
"You're so gullible, Anella. There's been lots of women."
In a flash of instant clarity, Anella knew who they were. They marched through her mind in a perfect, little, church lady, row.
Anella felt rage and adrenaline surging inside her. She rared back her fist, and fist met skin in a hard right jab. It caught him under the chin.
Gregory's shocked face stared at her as he floundered back into the cornfield.
She jumped on him and pummeled his face, while yelling words she'd never used before.
Anella's good sense and a Christian upbringing kicked in. Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I can't beat him to death, what would my children do. He's not worth a life in prison and worse.
She backed off, and Gregory grabbed her arms and flipped her over.
"You would have killed me, if I hadn't got hold of your arms" he said.
"I backed off or I could have killed you. But God stopped me, he wouldn't want me in prison with no-one to raise our kids. You're not worth that!"
***
Back to: May 10
She crumpled to the floor, and poured her heart out. Lord, he's down there with her, living with her. She was supposed to be my friend.
They all pretended to be my friend. I feel so betrayed.
I can't stand this pain in my heart or the lump in my chest
I can't eat or sleep. I just cry. I know hate is not the answer.
Lord, I never knew hate until now. It's awful, it has nearly consumed me.
Father cleanse me from it
I don't want to hate.
I need your peace and your assurance, Lord, that it's all going to be okay.
I miss his arms around me, hugging me, and telling me it's alright.
Lord let me know that you care. I need to feel your presence around me.
Forgive me Father, In Jesus name. Amen.
Anella got to her feet and walked into the bathroom.
She stared at her red -eyed reflection. You've got to get it together. Some how the Lord will work this for good. He promised it in the Word.
That's when she felt the strong, firm grip of warmth around her arms.
It warmed her from her toes to her broken heart.
Daughter, I was here all the time. No one will ever love you like I do.
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