The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/29/10
Poignant, descriptive, heart-wrenching.
There is so much raw emotion there. I could picture the whole dinner scene laid out in front of my eyes. The MC's pain is palpable.

I noticed a few editing notes. Lineman should be the plural linemen, I think you meant whiny instead of whinny, and last double space your paragraph. The white space on the page makes it easier to read.

But overall you did a fantastic job, describing the details, and letting the reader feel the agony and desire to fix things for this marriage so filled with grief.
Your descriptions are excellent. I agree with the previous comments regarding your use of simile. Every time you use the word "like" I was drawn in. You painted a beautiful picture of pain and fear in the midst of marital struggle. I was drawn in and wanted to "see" what happened next. Good job!