The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/05/10
Good job with the dialogue and the pacing.

I wonder if it'd be more effective without that last, summarizing paragraph? And there may be a few too many characters for such a short story, so that you had to continually address them by name.

This was a unique approach to 'eek', and I enjoyed reading it.
03/07/10
A story which reminded me of my younger days, when we would sit around a camp fire and tell ghost stories. Nothing like childhood memories. Thanks for sharing those winsome olden days with us and sparking good ole memories. (*.*) Nicely done.
This was an enjoyable read and your dialogue was very good. Put a smile on my face to know that 'ole house is still there and now taken care of. What fond memories for you and the others still in the neighborhood.
03/09/10
You've already had some great comments on how to improve this story. One line of dialogue struck me as unnatural, where Sparky says "...the bushes hide the front, and the shingles on the roof are curling" I suspect that this would have worked better as straightforward narrative description. Somehow I don't see a mischievous child coming out with that level of description. But, hey, there's a level of menace and panic in your story and that's what you set out to convey. It's just a case now of helping you develop your technique. And FW is a great place to do just that.
Great details and a nice moral of the story at the end.

I don't know that you needed to go 50 years into the future. I think it could have ended with Linda's lesson.

But you did a great job with all of the fantastic descriptions. It was a great thriller. It would be perfect for a tween magazine.
Congratulations on the top 7 in your level!