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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Shhh. (02/18/10)

TITLE: Wonder Mummified
By Troy Manning


ďWonder MummifiedĒ

The search party never encountered what it initially sought, and only one was to return home that day. The party itself included Eva Belacroix, age 12, Will Denson, age 11, Ginny Ballard, age 13, and Zander Ivens, age 8. As to the object of their expedition, they were attempting to find a vampiresí nest that a classmate assured Eva rested near the top of a tree in Igorís Grove. While Will and Ginny both assumed they were looking for a batís nest, it was Zander who thought to ask why the vampires didnít live in a cave. Eva informed the others that it wasnít vampire bats but vampire people that lived in the tree. Will and Ginny tried to persuade Eva they were on a foolís errand but she would have none of it. Eva even told Ginny that her new best friend would be a vampire if Ginny turned back now.

Will was the first to sight the oblong boxes near the top of one of the oak trees. Zander, who had recently attended the King Tut exhibit said they were clearly mummy sepulchers and not vampire coffins. Will countered that he had recently attended the Count Dracula exhibit and insisted he was mistaken. By this time, Eva had strapped the hooks to her boots that her dad used for climbing telephone poles and was making her ascent. Ginny attached to her wrist one end of a leather strap her mom used to spank their horse. After putting the strap around the tree, she fixed it to her other wrist. She then shimmied up the tree after Eva. Although Will had no such accoutrements, he was quite adept at tree climbing and was readily able to follow Ginny. The caterpillar-like procession upwardly advanced in reverent silence so as not to wake the undead. Zander, having neither the equipment nor skills the others possessed, looked up at them and wept. Hearing his sobs, Ginny appeased him by saying they needed someone to stay below to catch the vampires or mummies when they dropped them.

Zander watched the others until they reached the nest. Beyond this, he was unable to chart their progress. Although there were some scuffling sounds and even what sounded like the cracking of a whip, there were no screams or shouts and all was soon silent. He called out to the others but no reply was forthcoming. He waited for what, to a child anyway, must have seemed an eternity, then shivered and screamed some before starting homeward.

With no bodies having dropped, Zander was uncertain as to whether the cluster of boxes consisted of vampires or mummies. He wondered just what to say to his parents. Since they were not likely to believe him, he decided to tell them he was separated from the others and got lost. Still, he knew there would be many questions from the parents of the other children as well as from police.

He was correct in his assumption that a thorough investigation was to follow. But even beneath the lash of his dadís leather belt, Zander managed to stick with his story. It wasnít long, however, before he sorely regretted taking that stand. For not only did investigators recover the other children relatively unharmed, the nests were found to be replete with mummies.

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This article has been read 409 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Sarah Heywood02/25/10
Very descriptive writing! I enjoyed this slightly spooky, eerie story!
Lisha Hunnicutt02/26/10
You have very descriptive writing. I know when we have a limited word count, it can be tough to really delve into a story, but I think this would be even more engaging to read if there were dialogue added to it. Even so, I think your piece is high quality.
Marilyn Schnepp 02/27/10
I assume the "Shhh..." topic comes in as a "Hush, Hush" from the parents, right? Although not a fan of Fiction myself, I'm sure those that are fans were delighted with this fascinating page turner. (*.*) It was, however, very well written.
Patricia Turner02/28/10
Very clever and entertaing story. I struggled to find the tie in to the topic. I also agree that dialogue would add interest. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your creativity in this very fine piece.
Mildred Sheldon02/28/10
Very interesting read. You did a spectacular job with the story. I'm not a fan of scary stories, but very well written.
c clemons03/01/10
I wish I could say something nice about this story but I can't. I would like to say nothing but that wouldn't be fair either. 1) the topic was not addressed at all 2.) this is a Christian site and Christian do not believe in vampires or mummies (if used used to frighten) 3)the writing had many run-ons without punctuation. Other than the imagination used to create this, it was not an enjoyable read.
Jan Ackerson 03/03/10
Great title--drew me right to this piece!

There's a lot of "telling" and not as much "showing" in this story. Dialog would help, as would deeper characterization.

I'd also urge you to consider your audience.

Your writing shows considerable potential, and I hope you'll stick it out and keep stretching and growing!