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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Red (10/01/09)

TITLE: Red Velvet Memory
By Misti Chancellor
10/05/09


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She crushed the red velvet between her nervous fingers, wrinkling the soft fabric of her dress.

“Jill, honey, don’t do that. You want your dress to look pretty,” her mother chided gently, as she straightened the wreath of white flowers that had tilted precariously on Jill’s soft brown curls and put the little basket of flower petals into Jill’s hands.

“Mama, there lots of people. I scared,” she whimpered.

“I know, honey, but see look. You get to drop the pretty red rose petals on the floor, and then wait with Aunt Joyce and watch Mama wear her pretty white dress and walk in to stand by your new daddy. Won’t that be fun?”

“Mama, why daddy have to go be with Jesus and me get a new daddy?” she asked, a small tear glistening in her big blue eyes.

“Oh, Jill, sweetie, we miss him, don’t we? Daddy had a bad, bad owie, and he couldn’t get better. The doctors tried to help him, but he was hurt too bad. He’s all better now with Jesus. And Mr. Brad, your new daddy, loves us very much. He makes us happy, doesn’t he?”

“Uh, huh,” she whispered, a small smile flitting across her little face.

“Can you hear the pretty music, honey? It’s almost time. Give me a kiss and then go with Aunt Julie, okay? I know you’ll do a GREAT job.”

-------

“Jill, your mother wanted you to have this. I know how hard it’s been on you since she went to be with Jesus.” He sighed with fatherly pride, “You were such a sweet little thing in that dress, skipping up the aisle, and tossing those rose petals… my new baby girl.”

Her step-dad smiled as he handed her the little red velvet dress.

She sank into a chair and smoothed the red velvet of the little dress absently, remembering.


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This article has been read 325 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Graham Starling10/08/09
Very nicely written with some lovely little details, although I didn't have any sense of the saddness Jill must have been feeling at the end.
Jan Ackerson 10/09/09
This is lovely!

I'd encourage you to take full advantage of the 750 allowed words, and to give us more: either more plot development, or more characterization, or both. You're a good writer, and more is better!
Sylvia Brown10/09/09
Very nice, and sweet as red velvet cake.
Shilo Goodson10/12/09
This was great writing, and you did a good job of having Jill talk the way a small child would talk. I feel a little cheated, though, in the second scene. It felt too abrupt. With the allowed word count, you could have expanded it a little more to help the reader to feel Jill's emotions.
c clemons10/12/09
Okay what happen to the middle? I don't know at the end if Jill is 5 or 55. A sentence or two would solve that. Started very nice, but ended with a clanging I don't think you meant. Keep writing.
Colin Swann10/13/09
Thanks for sharing this sweet entry. Would have liked more but thanks for what you gave us. Colin
Aaron Morrow10/14/09
Outstanding dialogue in the first section. Second section could have used some more of the same detail we found in the first section of dialogue. Great command of voices and the red velvet tie-in was super.