The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Such a sweet story. If you had broken it into paragraphs it would have been better but all in all I loved how seeing a child takes away all fear because only God can do that. The joy of a dad seeing his baby for the first time is breathtaking.
Your first line provoked an amazingly funny and clear picture of the story. Perhaps a little less telling and more showing would have been good for the middle part about the step-mom and thinking about money, but the dialogue and relationship between the characters was fun and realistic.
Ditto, it's good to read something from the man's point of view. I especially liked the "making cookies" quip.
My biggest problem with your story is that it doesn't flow smoothly enough. Part of the answer would be to improve your paragraph marking as has been said (layout is important). But also your story jumps around too much and at one point I was completely confused as to whether everyone was. So cut back on the aside comments and beef up the main flow of the story. It's good but you can obviously do even better.
Great POV, and I felt that the glimpses of the narrator's past really helped us to understnad him. Your previous commentors have given you good advice!
What they said. :-) Great story.