When I finally got married I couldn’t wait to have a baby. Motherhood seemed like an exclusive club I'd been denied access to, and I wanted in!
When I became pregnant with our first child, I was so excited and happy, yet filled with fears of every sort. I had a lot of morning sickness and problems, and pregnancy just wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be!
I had a very strong desire to feel in control of things and it irked me greatly not to be in control of my hormones, my weight, or whether or not my lunch would stay down! I couldn’t control any of it, and for a “control enthusiast” like me, it was torture!
Eventually I did realize God was in control, whatever the outcome, and my baby and I were in the palm of His hand. He knew all about my child because He created him. He knew all about me as well, and my crazy need for control was no surprise to Him!
I had to let go and trust Him to take care of us. He did, and when my son was born it was by far one of the greatest moments of my life. I finally got to join the “motherhood club,” and I was thrilled! Whatever discomfort I'd gone through was infinitely worth it when I saw our beautiful baby boy.
Two years later, I found myself pregnant again, and again had lots of health problems and fears. I was sick ALL the time. This time I was carrying two babies, and all the unpleasant effects of pregnancy were multiplied exponentially.
All my anxieties about the future (... how can we afford this, how can I manage all this, when will I ever have time for myself again?...) were multiplied as well. I was truly pathetic, feeling so sorry for myself and the misery I was having to endure.
Here God had done this amazing thing and blessed us with twins, yet instead of thanking Him for this wonderful gift, I was fearful, worried, and doubtful about my ability to raise two more babies.
Again, I was irritated that I couldn’t control my situation. I was completely focused on ME and MY current difficulties, instead of putting my focus on God and trusting Him to help me.
In the midst of my pity party I learned that a good friend had lost the baby she was carrying. I felt so sad for her, and so ashamed of my attitude. I repented and asked God to help me with the overwhelming emotions I was struggling with.
I did my best to fill my mind with God’s word, and eventually faith did come. It didn't happen overnight, but little by little, from glory to glory, my faith grew. The more faith that came, the more it crowded out the fear and the need to feel in control.
When our twins surprised us by arriving three months early, I knew in my heart the only one who could help them was God. No matter how desperately I wanted to do something to save them, my only option was to place those tiny babies in the palm of God’s hand.
My husband and I prayed over our babies daily, thanking God for their good health and that they would live and not die. God answered our prayer in such a powerful way.
We brought our them home in perfect health, not on medications or monitors. They were just 2 pounds each at birth, but strong and healthy, just as we prayed they would be.
That was ten years ago. Now I marvel at the individuals they have become. I am continually awed by the personalities, intelligence, creativity, and gifts God has given them. I am humbled that He would entrust my husband and me with such precious children.
I'm so thankful for the transformation God has done in me, taking my fear away and replacing it with a calm confidence that I can raise these three children, not in my own strength, of course, but with HIS help.
The important lesson I learned through it all is that the palm of His hand is the best place anyone could ever be; tiny baby or troubled adult.
I've had to place others in the palm of God’s hand as well, trusting that He knows what is best. He's never once let me down.
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