The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/04/09
Introspective and moody--I like that.

There were a few places where your writing could be tightened up. For example, you wrote I sat there transfixed as if in a trance hypnotized by the wonder of it all. This could be shortened to I sat there, transfixed by the wonder of it all. Something to look at when you give your writing a second (or even thrid!) self-edit.

With a bit of refinement, your writing has the potential to be excellent.
06/04/09
Is the writer Pam? I hope so.
06/05/09
Your descriptions of your life, and Pam's, moved me. I think it would have been a little more powerful if you had told it as just your story, not two people's.
06/06/09
Some good descriptions here especially of the fog but I understood more of Pams story than the writer. I think it would have fitted better into the previuos theme of Dark and light especialy as you mention grey a few times. Bitter and sweet are not clear here.I wonder what the country was you were now in and the one Pam and the writer had been brought up in?