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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Before and After (05/14/09)

TITLE: Deceived
By Cindy White


I am so furious with my mate! I told him to mind his own business and leave that woman alone, but he just had to be clever. I should have known. Now he’s made a mess of everything. One day everything’s perfect and suddenly…nothing will ever be the same.

She was a pleasant lady and we enjoyed talking with her and her husband in the shade of the garden we shared. They weren’t like us. They were beautiful and perfect in their own way. Everything was perfect.

My Mr. S can be very charming and persuasive. He has this way of making the wrong thing sound like the right thing. And his appeal goes far beyond his stunning good looks. How could she resist? I just wish she had.

It was almost evening and the birds were singing their love songs. The garden was lush with eatable delights and the scent of blossoms was nearly intoxicating. It was then that he worked his magic. I don’t know how he did it, but he convinced her to do the unthinkable.

It was too late by the time I arrived. Her nakedness was exposed and her husband was involved. Things were about to get worse. There was no place to hide, though they tried. They knew they did wrong and were consumed with guilt. By the upturned corner of his mouth, I could see that Mr. S was feeling pretty smug. But that was about to change.

“Where are you?” Father was on to them now. Did they really think he wouldn’t find them? He knew everything they had done, and he was not going to take this lightly. Hadn’t he told them to never, ever do this thing? The air was thick with betrayal and shame.

“It was the woman you gave to me that gave me the fruit to eat,” her husband said, “and I ate it.” Was he somehow twisting the blame onto Father? I thought Mr. S was conniving!

“The serpent deceived me and that’s why I ate it” The woman said, pointing her finger at my mate. Still thinking he was somehow victorious, what happened next caught my Mr. S by surprise. I could only look on in horror as Father turned his vengeance on the scoundrel.

Next thing I know my Mr. S is lying on his belly in the dust, arms and legs gone! Father cursed not only him, but our entire species! For all time our kind was to crawl on our bellies in the dust. No longer would we walk and talk with man and woman in the garden, nor would our offspring. In fact, we’ve all been banished from the garden forever and forced into a land of weeds and suffering.

None was exempt from the curses Father doled out that day. I could see the anguish in Father’s kind eyes as he did what he had to do. Death was now imminent for us all. The woman fumed with anger and hatred toward Mr. S. I don’t blame her. I’m not terribly fond of him myself right now. Perhaps Father will someday make things right again.

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This article has been read 695 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Dennis Ricci05/21/09
Clever! Imaginative, good imagery. Well Written. Great job!
Jan Ackerson 05/21/09
Excellent POV!
Sharon Kane05/26/09
I have never ever thought of the Fall from this point of view before!! Very original and creative. I loved it!
Kristen Hester05/28/09
Very clever and congrats on your win and your EC! Way to go!
Kimberly Curry05/28/09
Unique POV and excellent writing.
Loren T. Lowery05/28/09
Love your creative slant and the way you told this story. No wonder it's a winner. Congratulations on your EC!
Lollie Hofer05/28/09
Clever, witty, creative, clever, entertaining, great POV, clever. Did I mention this was clever? Congratulations on your well-deserved honor. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story.
Charla Diehl 05/28/09
What clever writing and creative take on the original sin that led to The Fall. Thumbs up to you and congrats on your EC win.
Sonya Leigh06/01/09
Sorry I'm so late to let you know that I loved your story and to congratulate you on your placement. Well done.