Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Good and Bad (05/07/09)
TITLE: I Am a Good Girl...
By Coleene VanTilburg
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I like boys now. I hope they like me too. I have a lot of friends. Most of my friends are boys. I am still a good girl, but sometimes I have bad thoughts. I think too much and I get confused. I still love Jesus and I need to pray more.
I am a teenager now. I have so many friends but no one I can really say is a best friend. I don't think I am as cute as other girls. The boys still seem to like me but I don't know how to act. I do not feel confidant and sometimes these sad feelings overwhelm me. I find comfort when I can sneak food into my room and eat in secret. I still get good grades and go to church. My parents are older; they don't understand me. When my mom is at work, boys come over. One day a boy was still in my room and he hid in the shower and then had to escape out my window. We almost got caught. I think I am in love with him. He does not tell me how he feels. One day he moved away from his Grandmother's house and I never saw him again. I shared so much and now I am alone again. I must not be worthy of love. I am not good enough for boys to stick around. My brother almost died in a motorcycle accident. He is in a coma for a long time and stays in the hospital a year. I hardly see my dad any more. I feel abandoned. My mom...she's just an old lady...I can't talk to her. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day. Am I worthy of God's love? I should read the Bible but instead I will go to the mall and get French fries.
I am taking classes at the junior college. I am working. I am going to a youth conference. I want someone to love me and for God to answer my prayers. I want a husband. I am good. I pray. I fast. God answers my prayers. I am already friends with Steve so this is convenient. We decide this is what God wants. I marry Steve. There were no fireworks, no romantic courtship, and no butterflies. He is a good man. He loves the Lord. I know he loves me. He will take good care of me. Why do I still feel this emptiness...this sadness? Sometimes I cannot do things I should around the house and things pile up. In a weird way this makes me feel safe. I have children now. We have a nice house in a nice city attending a great church. My husband is involved in children's ministry. I work at the high school. I have anxiety and heart palpitations. I ease off the coffee. I meet another woman at work. She loves the Lord too. We become good friends. She has gone through a lot in her life and shares her struggles. I feel comfortable enough to open up to her. She thinks I am good.
I decide to diet. I lose 64 pounds. I really look good now. I feel good about myself. After trial and error, I think I have found the right medicine for my depression. I find Facebook. I find old friends. I find old boyfriends. I need closure. My friend at work warns me that my behavior is becoming dangerous. I am not listening. She reminds me Satan is a deceiver, and things will happen if I continue in my sin. I am out of control. My compulsive behavior is fun, dangerous, exciting. My friend cries but I do not.
I have broken a trust. I am being selfish. I am sneaking around. I am bad. Will Jesus forgive me? Can I continue like this? My friend is praying and speaking harsh truth into my life. She is my sister. How will this crazy time be resolved? I seem to just want to live in the moment and not think of consequences. My heart beats out of control...
Psalm 4:19 My soul, my soul! I am in anguish! Oh my heart! My heart is pounding in me; I cannot be silent.
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