"Welcome, welcome all. Let's all get seated now. Yeah, find yourself a spot. Welcome, good to see you. What a nice looking group we have here. Glad you are all here tonight. You are here for a reason, a shared need. You have taken the first step of recovery. Congratulate yourselves. I hope you all got a chance to chat with each other in the mixer. My name is Ahab and a little background about me; I was once a powerful king over a great nation. Some say I abused my power; well mostly it was this hairy man named Elijah that brought me down. You've got to be careful of your choice of women as well. Her name was Jezebel and she...well; I'm getting of track now. I'm sure some of you can relate. We are all here to support each other and work through these twelve steps as we justify our excuses and expand our self-righteous egos. The world will miss us. They will be ready for us when we return. We will be loved again!"
(Applause, rally cries).
“Let's go around the room and state our name and fame. I do not want to see any shameful expressions here. Be proud of who you were...we will rise up again. Humbleness is not aloud. Britney, we will start with you."
“Hello, I'm Britney. I am a teen superstar recording artist who loves to party."
"Thank you Britney, Next..."
"Hello everyone. I am Michael and I am one of the most popular and once wealthiest entertainers of all time. I've been famous since I was five."
"Yes, thank you Michael, what an honor to have you here." Oh, I see we have a duo here next..."
"Hi, my name is Rod and I was Governor of Illinois..."
"And my name is Eliot and I was Governor of New York."
"Welcome guys. It is always good to have someone from government in our midst. I can really relate to your schedules and your needs and how we can use our influence. We'll talk about old times later."
"Hello, my name is George W. and I was President for eight years and I just wanted to render my opinion... (chuckle). Humbleness is not a bad thing and I really do not want the spotlight again."
"OK, whatever...next please."
"I'm Michael V, a professional football player. You can't take the fight out of this dog!"
"Hello, I'm Barry, a professional baseball player and I 'got a little help from my friends,' as they say."
"Our two newest members...”
“Hi, I'm Bernie. I take people’s money and invest it for myself.”
Thanks Bernie, and last but not least..."
"My name is Chris. I'm a superstar hip-hop singer and I show my girlfriend who is the boss."
"Thank you all. This twelve step program will allow us to get back on the A-list, swarmed on the red carpet, invited to the White House and indulged in Vale and Vegas."
"Ugh, excuse me, Mr. Ahab sir, like I said, I am quite happy now leaving the public eye humbly working on my ranch. I think it helps to build character and have quiet worship to our maker."
"Maybe, Mr. George W., you are in the wrong meeting. Character is not what we want. It is our power back...our fame...our money, the love of the World."
(applause). George W. leaves the room mumbling something about fences to mend.
“Alright now, let’s go over this first step. Repeat after me: We admit nothing, we are only temporarily powerless and we will have the admiration and worship of the World back soon. Tonight, for homework, make a list of the people who have wronged you, focus your negative energy there and read the first chapter from Oprah's new self-help book."
(Knock on the door)
“You again, Mr. George W? Did you forget something?"
"Nah...I just felt the need to come back and share something. Does anyone here give a hoot and holler about Eternity?"
"I see, you want to bring that God thing up again like Elijah...well, Sir...you are in the wrong meeting. This is about the here and now, baby...right everyone?"
Ahab surveys his prodigies; some are not looking as self-assured as before. One gets up and leaves with Mr. George W. It would not take twelve steps for those two, only a bended knee to the Almighty.
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