The Official Writing Challenge
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Good poem form. Interesting POV. :)
11/11/08
Nice try! Quite creative!

Okay, you did ask for some red ink, so I'll address the meter: some of the rhymes have a bit of an awkwardness to them....when you're picking words watch if they have a "duh-DUH" or a "DUH-duh" sound to them and keep that consistent throughout your poem. It's not just the number of syllables, but also where the syllables land.

Example:
In a classic 8,6,8,6 meter they would go like this -

duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH

duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH


"When reading this your poem, dear,
A tiny thing I saw"

I usually tap my finger on my computer as I read my poems aloud.

I love how you're stretching yourself! No tomatoes from me - how about chocolate? :)
Thanks Leah. I thought it was somewhat awkward in spots as well, but couldn't place my finger on why.
As for the chocolate? Dark chocolate would be great!
I enjoyed this, and could see the scene play out. I admire you taking this step, I just don't have a poet's pen. Maybe, one day, I'll give it a try. Nice job!
11/11/08
I'm not really a big fan of poetry but I found this one so amusing. Had a nice beat, good title and was really creative.
Cute and creative poem. Well-done.
What fun to read! Enjoyed this immensely!