The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/29/08
Whew, I'm exhausted just reading this! What a gal!

Even though you grouped your story into paragraphs of related action, you really need to separate each new line of dialogue into its own paragraph, even if it's only a word or two. New speaker: new paragraph.

I love the way the pacing of this reflected her frantic life, and it slowed down at the end, just as she did.
08/31/08
Oh boy! What a morning/day/life! The pace of this adds to the story--I sure hope it's fiction and not fact! That poor woman!
08/31/08
I was tired by the end, you puled me in, which is just what you're supposed to do. Good story.