i rose up and flew to our bedroom, incensed
that my feelings meant nothing, i hated him so
for so many reasons, none that made sense.
i, seething with rage would soon let him know!
He told me he knew i've no courage at all
to harm myself, knowing i forgive so quick,
but the demon inside took this as a challenge
and thrust into my mind the desire to inflict
the worst pain imaginable, ultimate death.
Unrelenting was he and he threw me about,
i cast in my mind - so diseased and possessed
How i could end me without the least doubt?
A bottle of pills taken with dirty dog water
'cause i couldn't even open the bedroom door
that i had slammed shut in a mad fit of pique.
Unpleasant but drinkable - i didn't care any more.
In a wild screaming fit of demonic rage
i started stabbing myself with a handy coat hanger
but it was sheer folly as it had rounded edges.
so possessed was i by the demon of anger.
Grabbing scissors from my bedside drawer,
thrusting it wildly at my neck, chest and arm,
only to be frustrated - because they were closed
scissors with no power to do me real harm.
i then opened the scissors, started digging again
my shaking hand barely scraping my skin.
but my nails and teeth allowed me to scream
while i bit and i scratched and exploded within.
Digging and scratching and biting and screaming
couldn't demonstrate what i really needed to show
my pain was inside me - shown only outside.
that the demonic anger would not let me go.
Laying in bed, bedclothes pulled o'er my head
to smother myself tho' 'tis 93 degrees,
self-hatred was winning, i was praying to die,
what i needed to do was just fall on my knees.
Remorse finally came when, knowing full better
i cried out to GOD - finally learning to call
"please forgive my self-pity, i DO want to live!"
and the bottle of pills didn't work after all.
Sanity stirred - i heard my sweet Laddie come in
hot and thirsty, no water, dirty nor fresh
'cause i drank all his water to take all those pills.
i forced open the door to get him refreshed.
i had written a will leaving all to my hubby
except for my jewelry and beading supplies
to my struggling sister who'll have fits if i die.
selfish, i only saw pain through MY eyes.
i went into the kitchen - my Bible lay there,
prayed life could be good, make sense once again,
turned to the Scriptures, bathed in God's Word,
What a selfish unthinking jerk i had been!
Repentance restored me as i turned from myself
to GOD - humble, scared, ashamed, yet more wise?
My hubby came in, cautiously wary...
i, trembling and tearful apologized
and spent, i confessed how foolish i'd been.
Mike asked where the empty bottle was left.
He went to the bedroom, returned, looking grim,
"You took Prednisone", he said, quite bereft.
Together we wept - he alarmed and most worried
knowing not what to do when the demon arrives,
i, struggling still with self doubt and self pity
cried we must pray more, my self-hate deprive.
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