The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
05/22/08
Great developing contrast from serene beginning to chaotic end--really gripped me in the moment. I'm not sure why but the last paragraph doesn't quite provide closure for me. I'm left puzzled by what the battle cry of the heron was. It seemed to begin a new segment of the story instead of closing the one. I appreciated the strong action verbs which made the battle come alive for me.
Great off base entry for this topic. Beaker the Koi, I like it.

I want to read the sequel.

Well done!
Good job showing the moment. Stupid bird! I agree that a different line could have privided more closure...maybe something like, "For the moment anyway, the battle was won."
05/23/08
What a great story. I'm so glad the poor fish lived. Very good writing:)
Laury
05/26/08
Ohhh, I like the cliffhanger. I envision a darkened sky of large birds, returning to finish "it". LOL! Very creative...
05/27/08
Neat job! Exciting story line and sequel anticipation. I don't know what a Koi fish is, but I assume it is a pet - but I do know what a Great Blue Heron, or whatever is...and if the battle has just begun - I'd have to go with the heron, (*.*)!...sorry. Kudos - nice job, and creative thinking.
05/27/08
I love the ending! I'm a big fan of open endings, and this one had just the right tone.

A few minor issues in punctuation and capitalization, but nothing earth-shattering. This is a really good entry.
I like how this story starts off calm and then quickly builds up excitement and tension. I'm glad that the fish was alright. I would like to know more about this on going battle. Thank you for sharing this. :)
You captured my interest from first sentence to the last word. I love the way you started out so calm and it quickly escalated. Great writing.
You effectively set the stage with a dreamy quality which quickly escalated to a nightmare. Good job at bait and switch - at first my sympathies were with the heron, but when you slipped in the "fish trained to do tricks" I easily changed my loyalties. The closing sentence merely whetted my appetite to know more about the ongoing battle.
Congratulations on taking 13th place in your level with this piece, Carol!