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“It’s hard being a superhero Doc. So much pressure is put on you. Linda doesn’t understand the emotional tug o’ war that is going on inside me right now.”
This is my third counseling session with Joe and Linda Cook. The couple started seeing me after a feud began between the two of them over Joe’s relationship with his mother. Sound’s simple enough to handle…if this were your ordinary couple.
“Joe is wrong Dr. Rooney. I do understand his struggle. I’m a superhero too, Joe! Our whole family got exposed to the radiation when the meteorite landed in our backyard two years ago!”
Apparently the radiation caused Joe, Linda, newborn son Dylan, and dog Peewee to all inherit unique “superpowers.” It sounds crazy, but being in this line of work, I have heard stranger stories. I did some research and confirmed that these two are members of the League of Superheroes. They have their membership cards, and Linda has been seen at the mall shopping with Superwoman. Joe plays poker on Friday nights with Batman and The Incredible Hulk.
“I’m Captain Treehugger, defender of the environment! I fly around the world checking emissions, putting beached whales back into the water, and meeting with Al Gore to fight global warming! All I want is to be able to come home, relax, and have permission to talk to my mother.“
Yes. He did say Captain Treehugger. Here’s a breakdown of the family:
Joe Cook a.k.a. Family Patriarch a.k.a. Captain Treehugger – Powers include the ability to fly and harness solar energy to power windmills with his mind. Arch nemesis is the evil “Polluto.”
Linda Cook a.k.a. Loving Mom and Wife a.k.a. Spyder the Ninja – Powers include lightning fast reflexes and the ability to jump across really wide gaps. She wields a pretty mean throwing star too. Arch nemesis is her mother-in-law Claire.
Dylan Cook a.k.a. Bundle of Joy a.k.a. Little Mr. Jump – Powers include the ability to teleport anywhere at anytime. Arch nemesis is a plate of vegetables.
Peewee a.k.a. Family Dog a.k.a. Canis Morpho – Powers include the ability to morph into any other species of animal, making him a very versatile pet. Arch nemesis is Catwoman, Felix the Cat, Garfield, etc…
“Your mother hates me Joe! She’s my arch nemesis for crying out loud! You’re allowed to hate Polluto, and all he does is deplete the ozone! Your mother does far worse to me!”
“What does she do that’s so bad, Linda?”
Perhaps it’s time I step into this conversation…
“Linda, explain what exactly happened since our last session. Joe, be quiet for a moment and listen.”
“I caught Joe sneaking into the basement last week. He installed a satellite link that provides him a direct feed to his mother’s lair. I stood on the stairs and listened to the conversation…”
***
“Hey mom!”
“Hi Munchkin. How is my wittle boy doing?”
“Doing good. I just got done saving the rainforest from loggers again.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m so proud of you.”
“The lair is looking good mom. Are those Martha Stewart drapes?”
“Why yes they are!”
“You have the nicest evil lair.”
“I am tidy, unlike that sloppy wife of yours. Has she started ironing your underwear yet?”
“No, she’s been too busy chasing Dylan around. He teleported to Singapore yesterday.”
“If only you had married Vanessa Rogers like I told you to do, then you wouldn’t be in suburban hell where radioactive meteorites land, and your son wouldn’t be able to randomly show up in strange places. For some reason, he never teleports to see grandma.”
***
“I could go on Dr. Rooney, but I’ll stop. Joe never once defended me in the conversation. The next day Claire sent her flying droids over to the house to dump a bunch of wrinkled underwear onto my porch.”
“Mom does have a point, Linda. It would be nice if you would iron them.”
“It’s underwear, Joe!”
“Yes, but us superheroes wear our underwear on the OUTSIDE of our pants. It’s embarrassing when they have a bunch of wrinkles. You wear a skin-tight latex costume, so you don’t have this problem.”
“I just want a little support. Quit being such a momma’s boy. You are going to have to choose a woman, Joe. It’s either HER or ME!”
Something tells me that this battle has only begun. And like most superhero stories, it is going to have to be continued in a later episode…
I wonder if my boxers are wrinkled right now?
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