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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Mother (as in maternal parent) (04/24/08)

TITLE: See you soon Mom
By Becky Depp
04/25/08


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“How are you doing, mom?” I asked gently as I slid my tea cup onto its platter.

“I’m blessed, but I’m worried Keona…” she looked deep into my eyes. “I’m just worried about you, you’ve stopped coming to church and I’d really like to see you come back again.” Her eyes didn’t budge from my fiery gaze. She could tell I was getting angry.

“Mother, I just don’t need church or religion. You’ve always tried to get me to believe the same as you but I don’t care, I think it is the least of my worries.” I shrugged off mom’s attempts to lure me back to her beliefs.

“Lailani doesn’t think so, she goes to church and she has surrendered to the Lord, something I pray for everyday for you girls and your father…”

“Well I am not Lailani, mother” I interrupted her and stood up, I felt like steam was coming from my ears. “I don’t need religion, I don’t need God and I don’t need you, Malia.” I grabbed my things and left as fast as I could. I walked down to the beach where I saw the Hawaiian locals and the tourists having a great time.

I don’t know why mom has to always push her beliefs on me. I don’t believe the same that she does. I suppose I do believe in God I just don’t believe that it’s important to pursue anything or go any deeper than that, its not important. My thoughts plagued me as I watched two little girls play on the beach. I smiled as they ran around trying to catch each other.

I remember when Lailani and I used to do that on this beach, mom would be sitting on a towel nearby reading her Bible and Lailani and I would try to build a sand castle. We never could build one. I usually got too frustrated and knocked it down before we had any chance to get it anywhere. I suppose I’m like that with everything, I just did that with mom, I knocked her down before she had any chance to get anywhere.

I looked at my watch and saw that mom would be leaving in a couple of minutes to go to church. If I hurry maybe I can catch her before she leaves. I thought as I stood up and started walking towards mom’s house. When I got there, I could see my good friend, Kale. He was on the phone pacing in the front yard.

“Hey, Kale!” I waved to him. He suddenly hung up and ran over to me. “I’ve been calling every where for you.” He said breathing heavy. “Your mom was taken to the hospital, she’s had a heart attack” Tears threatened my eyes and without a word, I climbed into my mom’s car.

I can’t believe this is happening. Mom has to be Ok, she just has to be! Oh God, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I screamed at my mom, I’m sorry I said I didn’t need you or my mom. I need you both. I’m not ready to lose my mom yet Lord. Please. I’m nothing without you, I know that. I don’t know why I built up a resistance to your love, Lord but I’m sorry. I need you and I pray that you would be with my mom. I’m sorry for everything Lord, I’m sorry for my sins and I know I don’t deserve it but please forgive me! I will live my life for you, and I will be yours, even if my mom isn’t ok God, because I know that I need you forever…no matter what. I pulled into a parking spot at the hospital and wiped away a few stray tears. I rushed into the hospital and the first face that greeted me was Lailani’s.

“Lailani, Is she ok?” I waited for her to give me an answer. I couldn’t believe what she said.

“God has taken her home, Keona.” She hugged me tightly and we cried together.

Keona cleared her throat, “I know that someday I will be in Heaven with my Lord and Savior and I know I will see my mom again. But, in the meantime, I’m going to live my life for my Savior and praise Him daily” she stepped back, with one big swoop the pastor pushed her under the water and brought her back up. She came up to find crying faces looking back at her.


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This article has been read 465 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Patty Wysong05/03/08
I liked that you didn't have her mom live, even though it was sad. Life is often sad. I was a little confused by the time shift of the last paragraph, but once I figured it out, I liked it. Nice story!
LauraLee Shaw05/05/08
My goodness! I can't find any Kleenex, and I'm babbling like a baby. I don't know if this is true or not for you, but I'm sure it is for someone. You wrote this very well and the message came out loud and clear. Well done.
Myrna Noyes05/06/08
Very touching story with threads of love, faithfulness, forgivness, and regeneration within it.

However, I was a bit confused at the end, too, with the fact that the story is told in the first person until the last paragraph when it switches to third person.

Overall, very nicely told. :)
Willena Flewelling 05/06/08
Other than the tense change and a bit of confusion over names, I really like this story. I'm sorry her mother didn't know of her change of heart while alive, but sometimes life is like that... and the important thing is, the change did take place.
Joy Faire Stewart05/06/08
I enjoyed the happy ending. Very good example for this week's topic.
Joshua Janoski05/06/08
A very powerful story. Not only does it teach us to cherish our loved ones while they are on this Earth, it also teaches us that life is too short to be stubborn and chase after our own ideals while rejecting God and what he has for us.

I liked the ending with the baptism. It was a nice touch. Thank you for sharing this. :)
Jan Ackerson 05/06/08
We don't read many stories here that are set in Hawaii--this was refreshing!

I got confused at the last paragraph--you switched to 3rd person to 1st, and there was no transition to the baptism scene. A little bit of editing is in order, perhaps?

Nice, hopeful ending--well done.
Debbie Wistrom05/06/08
Oh those moments of regret. So glad she stuck to her vow.

I agree with the others about the transition at the end.

Your storytelling is quite good.
Joanne Sher 05/06/08
Nicely done. Enjoyed this read.
Jeffrey Snell05/07/08
Touching story here about regrets that many of us share, but with a blessed ending. It felt rushed to me; the mom didn't feel like a real person so much as a figure--intended? In any case, I enjoyed the thought life of Keona. It shows that, no matter how someone responds, God's word never returns void!
Laury Hubrich 05/08/08
Oh Becky, you wrote a very good story, very touching. Keep on writing, my friend! Love reading what you have to share.
Laury
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 12/13/10
This is a suspenseful story. You did a good job with the MC. I sensed such profound sadness from her. I'm really glad you've come back to FW and hope you keep writing. I know for me it's been such a therapeutic experience! I can't wait to read more of your recent work!