The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 1277 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Wow. What an awesome action piece. You really had me on the edge of my seat when the tornado came.

Just a technicality: I think you started new paragraphs too often. Of course you know to start paragrahps with a new speaker, but if you put the speaker's actions/descriptons in the same paragraph with their words, it will help clarify for the reader who is doing/saying what. For example: Nathan prayed as he drove the 67 miles out of town toward his Grandparents' home. "Lord, I know you're leading me out to see my Oma. My precious Oma. Thank You, Jesus...."
Tears welled up in his eyes.
"I know she's still hurting deep inside from losing Opa last year."
Can all be in one paragraph.

This story had a great resolution in the end. Nice writing!
LOL. All that I italized in my example above was supposed to be one paragraph. Again, this is a strong entry.
04/12/08
I love that you used Oma and Opa. I had never heard that before. I also love the way your main character was sensitive to the Holy Spirit's prompting. Very creative entry on the topic.
04/12/08
Oh, wow. PERFECT title, and what a compelling story! Good job, Tim.
04/12/08
Great story. The Oma/Opa was a nice touch.
You had me on the edge of my seat during the tornado event. I could picture this story being a part of a movie.

I saw a few typos, but you are a very capable writer Tim, so I'm sure you probably see them now too.

I liked how the story ended, with her no longer being "alone." You have a gift with character driven stories, and I appreciate you sharing this.
04/13/08
I couldn't read fast enough. What a story!
How precious, endearing and believable. Loved this adventure and always appreciate a happy ending.
04/14/08
Great job with suspense-building and writing a complete little vignette that contains all the essential plot elements.

I'm sure you see the extra word in the first sentence.

Love the double meaning in your title--really good job, all around.
04/14/08
This is good, you have a natural way of telling the story and dialogue. Watch out for speech tags, they can drag a story down; also, a good proof reading will rid the manuscript of the minor glitches. Well done.
Excellent job showing action, very vivid. And the cat was a nice touch. Very Good!
04/16/08
What a storm! I love it when God speaks to us and we 'listen'. This was such a great example of this-and I liked the touch of culture with Oma and Opa. This was great, especially glad that Nathan made it in time. Great job! ^_^
04/16/08
Very good action story. My mom was also called Oma, so this story had an extra special meaning for me. :)

Nice job with the topic.
This was so terribly moving.I found myself whispering "no, no" when i realised what happened.

I can appreciate poor Oma's despair, some friends from church who had their only child late in life, lost him in a freak choking accident when he was a teen. It was too much for his mother and she committed suicide. A week later the father overwhelmed with grief also committed suicide. So very tragic.

I am so glad your MC was attuned to the Holy Spirit and obeyed when prompted. Such love between adult grandchildren and grandparents is rare. I loved the tender ending.
04/18/08
Congratulations, Tim, on placing 10th in your level with this piece. Great work!