The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/13/08
I was hooked in by the story. Great vivid writing that was descriptive and captured the character of the protagonist.

I think the last paragraph was overly explanatory. I think it may have been better to illustrate what the character should have done. This could have strengthened the connection with the topic.
Nice piece of writing my friend. Well done.
Love Norms
Quite an obituary. When you live in paradise it is so easy to let the minutes and the hours slip by ...
Good story. God bless you.
03/13/08
Very good--I could readily picture the African dawn, and you wrote an interesting character study of Peter.

A few nitpicks: in this sentence...

Trapped in the wreckage, his faithful heart was pumping... it sounds as if his heart was trapped in the wreckage. And in the last sentence, you want "you and me" instead of "you and I".

I like the last paragraph which transforms this from an entertaining story to an apt devotional.
03/15/08
Lovely descriptions in the beginning especially - the character study is very good too. Keep writing.
03/16/08
The beginning is filled with descriptive beauty; But the Meat of your story... including Topic, message, and point you're making comes in the last three paragraphs. The descriptive beauty just bogs down a busy reader with nonincidentals; "Brief & to the Point" - Magazine Editors have repeatedly told me through the years. {Just a thought to pass along for edification purposes.} I Loved your story, however! Nicely done.
03/20/08
Congratulations on your 2nd place. Your descriptions of the scenery were beautiful.
03/24/08
Nice job - congratulations on 2nd place!